Another Cooking Skillz Fail…

When my Dearest and I buy a chicken to eat, we tend to cook it on one day and eat half between us, then we eat the other half on the second day after re-heating the chicken for 45 minutes in a hot oven.

So this time it turned into another cooking disaster. I can’t actually take credit for this one… I mean, I did the right thing and ensconced the remaining half-chicken in cling film (saran wrap?) to make sure it didn’t go bad while it was in the fridge overnight.

However, I wasn’t the person who then put the chicken in the oven.
I was the one who came to take it out and discovered it was coated in melted plastic.

cling film chicken
This is what happens if you leave the cling film on the chicken when you put it in the oven and cook it for 45 minutes.
Chicken cling film
A close up of the chicken fresh from the oven. Above the breastbone that’s melted plastic.

I’d like to be classy and say we threw it away on the spot, but I really wanted to eat something and I’d just spent 45 minutes waiting for a chicken to cook that someone else had put in the oven. So I didn’t throw the chicken away.

Using mad surgical skillz, I very carefully dissected the chicken in such a way that the chicken coated in cling film or any chicken that might have absorbed plastic was all removed.

There was maybe 1/2 a cup of chicken left at the end of it all. I poured some soup over it and ate it.

It tasted funny.

I am not really sure what the lesson is here. Don’t let other people cook? Seems a bit of an overreaction. What do you think? I have learned nothing from this episode.

Anger, Sadness and Allergy Tablets

I have a severe dust allergy. It’s like having hayfever year round with additional sporadic skin rashes and scalp hives. Sometimes I cannot vacuum or touch surfaces, because the dust makes my skin prickly, itchy, my nose runs, my eyes stream, my lips burn and split… you know the drill.

I have taken allergy tablets on and off for years, and recently I’ve had to stop taking them because I’ve linked them to mood episodes so severe they’ve left me suicidal at times. First, it was acrivastine (UK Benadryl – there are 2 types of Benadryl in the UK, neither are the same as US Benadryl) that caused issues, which used to be the best thing ever for my allergies. Then loratadine did it too. Finally, cetirizine was also making me have mood swings. At the very end of July, I finally got to see a qualified immunologist at the allergy clinic. I explained the problem I have with allergy tablets. The only allergy tablets that don’t give me extreme mood swings are diphenhydramine (US Benadryl) and promethazine.  The allergy doctor gave me a nose spray (Avamys – fluticasone fuorate) and suggested I try cetirizine (in the UK the brand is Benadryl in the US it is not) twice a day.

After three days on the cetirizine, I noticed I was just as mood-swingy as before. I was like a grumpy toddler. Anyone who pissed me off sure KNEW they’d done so, and I’d flip from furious harpy rage to tearful sobbing mess with no warning at all.

This is NOT normal, even if you have bipolar disorder (which I do). People think this is a mental health issue. Hell, I thought so too. I nearly got mis-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder because of this reaction to allergy tablets!! The first psychiatrist I saw didn’t think to rule out allergy tablet reactions (despite the fact most allergy tablets are in the broader antipsychotic family and therefore it makes sense that they can all affect your mood in various ways). And the doctors don’t seem to recognize that this is a severe and debilitating side effect of allergy tablets. But it is. How can I be so sure? When I don’t take allergy tablets, this goes away.

Since stopping the cetirizine, my doctor put me on Fexofenadine (Allegra) and that was great for a week, except every morning I couldn’t get my brain to fire up until about 11am. I thought this was due to my bipolar meds, but they’ve never done that to me before. This week, the rage was REAL. So were the tears. At first I didn’t recognize what had happened because I’ve been in a deep depression for a few weeks and I thought it had gotten worse. The emotional disregulation really crept up on me this time, I think it was subtle at first, because I was watching for it and still didn’t notice.

The thing is, I had a cold this week, and I don’t know what you non-allergic people are complaining about when you catch a cold because it’s literally nothing at all compared to how it feels to have a cold alongside a severe and unregulated allergy. I always wondered why managers never understood why I called in sick with any given cold, until this week, when I caught a cold while my allergy was finally under control.

Let me tell you, fellow dust or pollen allergy sufferers; it was amazing! Having a cold whilst having a controlled allergy was like, half the nose blowing of a regular day without allergy tablets. My face looked awful, and I was tired, but the sore throat was more comfortable than the feeling of gradual drowning I usually experience, and I wasn’t afraid to go to sleep at night, in case I woke up choking on snot (a regular occurrence when I have a cold).

I was so disappointed, then, to realize that the severe PMS-like-symptoms I’ve been experiencing were actually from my allergy tablets. Anger, unbridled fury at stupid things, impatience, inability to talk to people, profound sadness and hatred of everything, feeling like a waste of space and wanting to quit my Master’s degree that I worked so hard to get onto. If you felt like this, and found a way to make it stop, at the expense of being able to breathe normally, what would you do? I skipped a dose two days ago and I was back to my usual chipper self within hours but I was choking on my own snot again. It’s heartbreaking. And gross.

On the (significantly good) plus side, the nose spray Avamys has not given me any negative side effects. It felt weird for a couple of weeks while I got used to spraying in my nose but sweet mother of mercy, that stuff gets rid of about 40-60% of my dust allergy. The Allegra tablets are really just to give it the final kick. I can actually go running when I take Avamys and Allegra together, and I can do all the proper breathing etc without having to stop because of drowning in my own fluids (it really wrecks my form).

So now I’m experimenting with making my own Allegra-D, because I hear that the pseudoephedrine (Sudafed) is a stimulant (and decongestant) that might offset the irritability and depression of the allergy tablets (fexofenadine, my current allergy tablet, is the Allegra in Allegra and Allegra-D). I can’t go back to uncontrolled allergy, and if you don’t relate to that, I can’t really explain it to you. I can finally get through a lecture or a short bus ride (or a meal) without having to blow my nose seven or eight times, people actually want to talk to me, and I can finally leave the house without a wad of toilet roll in my pocket/handbag. Do you know the panic of realizing you’re away from home without any tissue? Or the horror of trying to discreetly swallow your own goop like everyone else, but its so thick it makes you throw up instead? If so, then you’ll know why I am trying so hard to make this allergy tablet work.

So if like me, you can’t take any allergy tablets for hayfever or dust allergy, I would strongly urge you to try some Avamys (fluticasone fuorate) from your doctor. It’s a nose spray unlike any other nose spray I’ve tried. For starters, it doesn’t make my sinuses swell and burn, I can barely feel it going in. Secondly, it takes about a week or two to reach maximum effect, but for me it was a game changer, and I no longer wake in the night (even without allergy tablets) to blow my nose constantly. I can actually sleep through, now!! If my allergy wasn’t so bad, I would probably only use nose sprays.

All Amazon links for examples of things you can try are usually for US Amazon except, where stated, they’re for the UK Amazon.

If you’re really suffering badly from allergies without allergy tablets (I get an itchy scalp which is where my hives hide out), I have not been emotionally deregulated when I’ve used the traditional, old fashioned anti-cholinergic allergy tablets: diphenhydramine (Benadryl* is the brand name in the US, or here’s the cheaper generic one in the US) or prescription-only promethazine, but do read all the information about them before deciding to try them.

*NOTE: UK Benadryl is NOT the same ingredient, it’s cetirizine or acrivastine, both of which have caused me emotional issues. In the UK, diphenhydramine is only sold over the counter as a sleep-aid (the usual brand is Nytol but not the herbal stuff) so you have to talk to a pharmacist to get it, and you can’t buy it for allergy but you can buy it if you have trouble sleeping.

Diphenhydramine and promethazine are both fantastic for allergy but long-term (more than a week) use isn’t a good idea as they can cause something called rebound insomnia from the drowsiness, meaning it’s harder to sleep! Additionally, studies have shown if you use anti-cholinergics daily or near-daily for years, you’ve got an increased risk of Alzheimer’s. So don’t do that.

This blogger had good results with Clarityn (loratadine) and I never used to get affected by it, but for the past year it’s been one of my worst ones for triggering moods. This post (not by me) pretty much sums me up on loratadine. You could try that though in case it doesn’t affect you the way it affects me.

So things to try (carefully):

  1. Clarityn (US) aka loratadine on UK Amazon (because it’s readily available)
  2. Diphenhydramine (US) for really bad allergy days (but not long term; you have to get this from a pharmacist in the UK)
  3. If your allergy is snot-based (you know what I mean), get Avamys from your doctor and don’t look back!
  4. Use Avamys with a saline nasal spray (US) I use the ones for kids because they’re gentler on my nose (find on UK Amazon here).
  5. If you can’t get your allergy and emotions under control with these methods, see your doctor again and if they don’t take your emotional problem seriously, educate them about the fact that this is a real issue.
  6. If any allergy tablet makes you feel suicidal, STOP TAKING IT and see a doctor asap for support (and a new allergy tablet if you need one). Be sure to tell them if the suicidal feeling wore off when the tablet did.
  7. Use the Yellow Card System to report these antihistamine side effects to the MHRA (the people who monitor pharmaceutical side effects), so they can finally have the evidence they need to investigate these debilitating side effects!! The quick link to report a drug is here: Please give them separate reports for every adverse effect you’ve had from an allergy tablet so they can be aware how extensive this problem is!
  8. Try alternative medicines. They’re not really proven, but they seem to work for some people and at this point I’m not ruling anything out.

How to use Avamys for best effect:

  1. Buy a saline nose spray (that’s for US Amazon) (I got this one from Amazon UK) and rinse your nose with it first. This will get rid of any dust or pollen particles that are stuck in there (and which are causing your allergy to trigger when you’re nowhere near any other allergens).
  2. About 5-10 mins later, spray the Avamys into each nostril. If you haven’t been given a dosage, use it like this: For the first two weeks, spray it twice in each nostril, then once it’s got your allergy under control, use it once in each nostril. Do this once a day, either morning or evening, depending when your allergy’s worse, day or night. I do mine at night because I like being able to wake up without a throat full of goop.
  3. If your allergy is especially bad on any given day, you can have an extra spray or two of the Avamys, it won’t harm you to do that.
  4. If your doctor gave you different instructions, follow those instead.

Good luck!

Massive Disclaimer: 1. There are other mental health issues I haven’t taken into account here; this article is aimed at informing people who have ruled out other mental health problems as the underlying cause of their emotional difficulties, e.g. if you stop having emotional problems (or if they significantly improve) when you stop taking your allergy tablets.
2.  Do not stop taking important medication without the advice of a doctor. I am not a doctor, I am just a former pharmacy assistant and a chemistry teacher, and my opinions are based on my own experiences and those of patients I’ve seen, and my opinions are informed by my understanding of chemistry – your mileage may vary. My article is for your information only, please research further, use your own judgement, and if you are unsure about anything or you’re on any other meds, speak to your doctor!!
3. This page sometimes links to Amazon Associates UK because they have a wide range of products and it’s easier to show you examples of useful things. Use your common sense – if you know of a cheaper place to get them, go there instead!

Korean vs Japanese beauty BB Review: Clio Water Me Please vs Sana Pore Putty

Today it’s Korean beauty vs Japanese beauty, and I’m testing out how Korean brand Clio’s Water Me Please BB cream stands up against Japanese brand SANA’s Keana Pate Pore Putty BB Pact (which I also reviewed here).

Korean vs Japanese Clio Water Me Please vs Pore Putty BB Pact Cream
Left: Clio Water Me Please BB Cream. Right: SANA Pore Putty BB Pact.

I applied both to my face without any moisturizer or base, to see how they fared just on their own, because normally a BB cream is used instead of layers of traditional make-up. SANA Pore Putty BB Pact SPF 40 PA+++ was on the right and Clio Water Me Please BB SPF 30 PA++ is on the left.

Please bear in mind I am currently ill having contracted Fresher’s Flu at university this weekend, and my face got severely weather battered by going sailing today as well, and it’s past my bedtime but I’m trying hard to make time for you guys today (I’m scheduling it so you can read at a more friendly time of day); so that’s three good reasons why my eyes are so red and puffy!! That makes this the perfect day to test these two products though, because there’s no point testing out foundations on a good skin day when I look great anyway!

My face with SANA Pore Putty BB Pact on the right and Clio Water Me Please BB cream on the left.
My face with SANA Pore Putty BB Pact on the right and Clio Water Me Please BB cream on the left.

The Clio Water Me Please gave a much more natural look with less coverage than the SANA Pore Putty. I think I would use this one when I wanted something lightweight that didn’t look like I was wearing makeup. My boyfriend couldn’t actually tell I was wearing makeup.

My face with SANA Pore Putty BB Pact on the right and Clio Water Me Please BB cream on the left.
My face with a good view of the SANA Pore Putty BB Pact on the right.
My face with SANA Pore Putty BB Pact on the right and Clio Water Me Please BB cream on the left.
My face with Clio Water Me Please BB cream on the left. There’s a definite line down the middle of my forehead between the two products.

White Cast / Grey Cast:

The Clio Water Me Please BB Cream has been criticized by some beauty bloggers for giving a grey cast, but when I applied it today with a beauty blender (actually, a cheap Chinese dupe; my budget doesn’t currently stretch to an expensive make-up sponge), it did not give a grey cast. In fact, its base tones blended perfectly with my natural face color (NC15-20). The SANA Pore Putty SPF40 PA+++ gave a slight white cast in the mirror but it’s not noticeable in the photos for some reason.

Did they Cause Breakouts?

The Clio Water Me Please BB Cream did not cause any breakouts at all, and never has done, not even the time when I first used it and smeared WAY too much on my face (seriously, dab it on lightly). It’s uber skin friendly.

The SANA Pore Putty has left my skin with very minor breakouts every time I’ve used it, so after using it several times I can honestly say I think it’s the Pore Putty doing it. However, while my skin is usually normal, occasionally it goes on a spree of being sensitive and gets upset at certain products. Just like it occasionally goes dry or oily. Weird, huh? I think it’s down to what I eat throwing my skin out of balance sometimes, but I can’t prove it.


I found that the Clio Water Me Please BB Cream blended exceptionally well on my face (NC15-20) and on the back of my hand (about 2 shades darker). It was practically invisible, which is fabulous for a product with SPF-30 and PA++. The SANA Pore Putty didn’t blend so well, and sort of sits on top of my skin, but it’s only as bad as my L’Oreal True Match, which is to say you can hardly tell.


I don’t have any permanent lines to find out if either product settled in them, so I’m only talking about expression lines here. The SANA Pore Putty made those expression lines more obvious, which made me look older when I smiled or frowned. The SANA Pore Putty BB Pact definitely creased more in the under-eye area, making that area look more dry, but the Clio Water Me Please BB cream left a more uneven surface, especially around the (ever-growing) pores either side of my nose. The SANA Pore Putty BB Pact worked to minimize these pores, even if the make-up itself was more obvious. I will add that a good primer will get rid of more of this issue, regardless of which BB you use.


The SANA Pore Putty was just much better at covering up red areas, though. In the three photos, you can see the line down my forehead where the SANA Pore Putty is covering up all the redness I’ve currently got from being ill, and the Clio Water Me Please BB cream isn’t covering that up. Definitely if you have clear skin the Clio Water Me Please is a much better choice, but if you have things to cover up, SANA Pore Putty is better.

The SANA Pore Putty BB Pact is SPF40 (or possibly 35; they keep changing it), ten whole SPFs more than the Clio Water Me Please BB Cream. More importantly, Pore Putty is PA+++ and Clio Water Me Please is PA++, meaning Pore Putty offers 33% better protection from harmful ageing UVA rays than Clio Water Me Please.


In general, the Clio Water Me Please BB SPF 30 PA++ is a very good BB cream, good value for money at $11 a tube, and I think it’s got a lot more advantages. However, if you are looking to minimize the appearance of pores, or cover up redness, the SANA Pore Putty BB Pact SPF 40 PA+++ really comes into its own and does those jobs very well. It also has the better sun protection, which is a consideration if you don’t use separate sunscreen year-round. Neither of these BB products are very expensive compared to some other products, and that also counts in their favor. If I had to just use one on an average (non-sunny) day, however, I would reach for the Clio Water Me Please BB Cream.

Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil First Impressions + Review

This is a first impressions and review of the Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil.
Basically, it’s an oil blend that you rub on your face and it’s supposed to improve the condition of your skin.

Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil
Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil

I bought it because my skin suddenly took a turn for the worse about 2 weeks ago and no matter what I do, it just looks dull and unhealthy. I thought I’d try the Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil to see if it could help my skin perk up a bit. Here’s what it looks like in the packaging:

Manuka Doctor Replenishing Facial Oil

Manuka Doctor are famous for their bee venom products, their logo is a bee with a first aid symbol on its body. Because it’s Dr. Bee, which is freakin’ adorable. Anyway, the Replenishing Facial Oil has no bee venom in, but it does contain oil from the Manuka tree (which of course is where Manuka honey comes from, and Manuka honey is apparently really good for you).

Hazel seed oil, sweet almond oil, avocado oil, grape seed oil, wheatgerm oil, rosehip oil, perfume, manuka oil, evening primrose oil, cranberry seed oil, sunflower seed oil, argan oil, borage seed oil, plum seed oil, peach kernel oil, blackcurrant seed oil, raspberry seed oil, tocopheryl acetate, beta-carotene, carrot root extract, carrot seed oil, ascorbyl palmitate, citronellol, coumarin, hydroxyisohexyl-3-cyclohexene carboxaldehyde, butylphenyl methylpropional, limonene, linalool, alpha-isomethyl ionone.

As you can see, it’s packed full of goodness.

The scent was sort of flowery but not in-your-face-floral; I quite liked it. The bottle had a nice dropper to make application easy, and it was nice to see how much I was using.

I have normal skin that’s very slightly sensitive, sometimes oily and sometimes dry depending on a range of factors.

On my skin, it spread easily and absorbed after about 10 minutes, leaving my face feeling nice even though I couldn’t see any magical improvements to my skin. Maybe something’s happening at a microscopic level, because after a couple of hours I had to concede that my forehead was looking less washed-out and so were my cheeks. I’m going to try it for a few weeks to see what the longer term benefits are, but overall I’m fairly happy that this oil will replace the macadamia face oil I was previously using (which ran out this week), and if it does a better job than the macadamia oil, I’ll let you all know.

Costs: £16.92 from Amazon UK. That’s how much I paid for it and that’s where I got it from. It’s not available on American but you can get it at

Have you tried any Manuka Doctor products? I want to try the night cream with bee venom but I don’t know if I’m brave enough!

How moist. Spray on Moisturizer review + roundup.

Today I want to talk about spray-on lotion moisturizers, because moisturizing lotion is important.

I bought three recently, because I wanted to know whether Vaseline Spray and Go was really the best one out there, since a few others have recently been released.

spray on lotion

Up for test are:

Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula Rapid Moisture Spray $12 (I bought for £1.99 in a discount store)

Balance Active Formula Nourishing Spray Body Lotion (that links to UK Amazon – not available in the US) – I bought for £1.00 in a discount store.

Hydrate and Go Body Moisturiser Spray – I bought for 49p from a discount store, apparently not available on Amazon.

And they’re all being compared to my current favorite:
Vaseline Spray and Go Cocoa Radiant $6.20

First let me start by saying this whole experiment has proved how much I love the Vaseline Spray and Go in Cocoa Radiant.

Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Spray Lotion:
The Palmer’s Cocoa Butter spray smelled similar to my usual Vaseline one, and I did like it after it rubbed into my skin, here’s a before and after:

spray on lotion
spray on lotion

The only issue I had, which reviewers have commented on, was that the spray top didn’t work very well so it was very difficult to dispense product. Normally with spray lotion, I have a problem doing my right arm – because I have to use the hand that’s covered in lotion (from rubbing it in while I sprayed with the other hand) to spray the bottle. With the Palmers one, it was actually impossible to get the spray nozzle to press down with my lotion hand. It was too stiff and the bottle became too slippery. Aside from that, I liked it though, and if I saw it at £1.99 again, I’d buy it, but I’d never pay $12 for it!

Silky soft skin afterwards
Smelled really nice
Nice thickness
No sticky residue


Sprayer didn’t work very well and I felt like I was fighting it a lot.

Balance Active:
The Balance Active one was less pleasant to smell – it smelled like that talcum powder that middle aged women used to use when I was younger, and deodorants with names like “Mum” or “Sanex” when they all smelled the same as each other. The spray also had issues – the actual sprayer seemed to work ok, the main problem was that the lotion separated when it was sprayed, so in the middle there was a white streak, and round the outside was watery colorless stuff. It looked a bit dodgy, if I’m honest, and I wouldn’t want to share photos of that as they’d get mistaken for jizz. Having gotten past that to actually putting the product on my skin, I found that it was moderately moisturizing but a bit too watery to replace normal lotion. It wasn’t sticky, but it didn’t leave my skin feeling as silky as the Palmer’s or my usual Vaseline spray lotions. I did find because the lotion separates when sprayed that it sprayed my carpet and furniture a lot more than my actual legs, so I was spraying it into my hand to rub in, instead of directly on my body, by about day 3. Here’s a before and after on the other leg to the one I did with the Palmer’s (above):

spray on lotion
spray on lotion

It was very cheap when I bought it.
It did moisturize my skin a bit.

It left my skin feeling dry again 12 hours later.
I didn’t see anything to substantiate the “anti-ageing” claims on the bottle.
The bottle’s too bulky for gym or travel use.
The lotion separates when it’s sprayed. This makes it difficult to aim.

Hydrate and Go:
The “Hydrate and Go” one looks like a Vaseline Spray and Go dupe. But it isn’t. I would say it was the worst of the four spray lotions I have tried. Like one or two other things that boast a “non-greasy formula,” this Hydrate and Go was sticky, leaving my skin feeling like I might not want to go outside in case wasps got confused and thought I was a can of coke. It was that bad. I actually had to go shower again after using this, then use my Victoria’s Secret (non-spray) Love Spell lotion to get rid of the sticky feeling. I hate stickiness. I wouldn’t buy it again. In fact, from the dust on the lid, you can see that I never used it again after the first use, and I only kept hold of it until now so I could show you a photo for this article. I don’t have any before or after shots for this one because I just wanted it off my skin.

It didn’t cause me to catch on fire or get AIDS.

Everything else you can think of.

Vaseline Spray and Go:
I like the way it sprays, it’s a bit thinner than a normal moisturizer but it’s good for when I’m in a hurry. It’s a little bit bulky but nowhere near as bad as the Palmer’s or the Balance Active. It smells nice and is non-sticky. I only really looked for another one because it’s quite expensive to buy this in the UK compared to the prices I paid for the other three. However, I now know it’s also better than the other ones.

Smells nice
Non sticky



I will be using the Palmer’s until it’s empty (if I can get all the product out with that dodgy sprayer) because I really like it aside from the sprayer issues, then I’ll buy more of the Vaseline Spray and Go. It’s the original, and it’s the best of all the ones I tried because it just works.

Have you tried any of these? What did you think of them?

Plane Wreck

plane crash plane wreck bipolar disorder bipolar depression…And then I crashed. And now the bipolar depression is literally trying to wrestle me to the ground and bang my head against a rock. Literally.
Here’s how it happened:
Monday morning: Went to dentist for a filling. That turned into two fillings. Then, the second filling turned out to be much deeper than they expected, and it turned into a root canal. To get through this, because my body metabolizes shit really quickly, I had to have three lots of anaesthetic.
Monday evening: I felt migraine-y. Maybe it was the anaesthetic that started it all or maybe I was already crashing. I took some painkillers and went to bed early.
Tuesday morning: I still had a (much worse) migraine. I sleep with an eyemask and earplugs. This migraine was so bad that, with the curtains closed AND my eyemask on, the morning light (on a very cloudy day) was too bright and hurt my eyes.
I was supposed to be on a work placement as part of my Master’s degree. I had to email and let them know I couldn’t make it. I get migraines with aura, and that makes me partially blind and very clumsy till they go away.
I spent the morning watching quiet cartoons on Netflix. Fyi, The Swan Princess is shockingly bad (I lasted 20 mins, and I can watch Barbie movies in their entirety; the only other thing that’s ever had this effect on me was My Little Pony), but The Adventures of Sinbad (Dreamworks, 2003) was surprisingly good. I wish Michelle Pfeiffer was in more stuff, I could listen to her voice all day. I dropped two cups and a plate while trying to do simple tasks like pick up a cup.
Tuesday afternoon: I had a total meltdown that Krita (the graphic design program that’s supposed to be good for drawing comics) absolutely doesn’t work with my graphics tablet, and in fact doesn’t seem to work properly anyway. All the Youtube tutorials were for another version. I got so upset over this that I started crying, and my husband took my laptop off me and downloaded The GIMP, which is basically Photoshop but free. Then I did, like, two tutorials and felt a million times better.
Later in the afternoon: I tried to make dinner and got that miscommunication between brain and body that I always get with migraines. Long story short, I dropped 3 chicken breasts that had taken an hour to cook. Food was looking like it was going to end up being vegetarian, then I saved it with a bag of prawns I found out of the freezer. Some of them had freezer burn but it was still better than tofu. Then my PTSD decided to say hi, and made me have a panic attack because I dropped the chicken and my husband hadn’t told me that I *wasn’t* in trouble. My brain just assumed. So then I couldn’t eat my food so I ended up taking myself to bed early and missing my absolute favorite episode of Deep Space 9.
The migraine tablets had fooled my brain into thinking I no longer had a migraine, but I clearly did. I cried for over an hour and felt suicidal about dropping three pieces of chicken on the floor. WTF.
Wednesday morning: My brain lied and said it was okay. I got out the house in spite of crushing anxiety and tried to cycle but my body wouldn’t move very fast. That’s when I knew this was definitely bipolar depression – it makes you grind to a halt and actually stop moving because it affects motor functioning, unlike regular depression. I finally got to my placement for my Master’s degree, and within minutes of getting there, my brain went, “haha just kidding, I’ve still got a migraine, stab, stab, stab.” My hands weren’t working so I couldn’t type or move the mouse very quickly, and my eyes weren’t taking things in properly so copyediting Scandinavian-language science bibliographies took five times as long as it should. Just before lunch, the lady in charge said she had a meeting after lunch so I had to go home. I was pretty glad, as I thought I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.
Wednesday afternoon: I came home, migraine aura was back and I nearly ran down three different pedestrians on my bike. They’re suicidally stupid but usually I pre-empt and avoid them. At home, I watched the second (eighth) Muppets Movie (which was great for a film which claimed at the start that it had no plot) and a 3 hour long Bollywood movie because nobody does convincing and interesting romance and compelling characters with catchy dance numbers and self-satire like Bollywood. I love it (recommendation: check out Humpty Sharma Ki Dulhania on Netflix; it’s my favorite). I didn’t get to watch the end because it turned out to be dinner time. I managed to successfully cook more chicken so I got to have my Red Curry with chicken AND prawns (cos I didn’t eat it the night before, so I reheated it today). I managed to tidy the kitchen, even if the oven gloves ended up in the microwave and the kettle nearly went into the fridge (I thought that was where they lived, amirite??) I was supposed to go to a wine evening where people say “hooray you’re doing a masters degree” for three hours, but I could barely stand and couldn’t focus my eyes very well so my husband suggested I give it a miss. The rebound pain from taking so much migraine medication (it wears off, then stuff hurts that my brain usually tunes out) hit me tonight, which was unpleasant. Then I got depressed about something else. I can’t remember what it was, but it clung to me like those plants with the sticky things that stick to your clothes if you go walking across places with wild plants (<sarcasm>wow that was the smoothest metaphor I ever came up with </sarcasm>). I couldn’t take my meds until now due to the prescription fuckup so I downed some and hoped for the best.
Thursday morning: Getting out of bed was impossible. Apparently I told my husband (in my sleep) that I couldn’t get up because I had to fix the roof. I remember dreaming that my stepdad was in hospital. I hope that doesn’t come true. I got my support stockings on and managed to move my ass to the sofa downstairs. Within minutes, I felt lighter and happier than I’ve felt since the loss of Blahpolar. More meds, apparently.
Thursday afternoon: Tired. Tired. Tired. I have now missed an entire day of induction activities at the university. I saw my face in the mirror and it turns out I’ve now got co-codamol face – the haggard, sunken look with pallidness and dark circles that I always get after taking co-codamol more than once. It goes away in a few days, but who wants that when they’re starting university and feel out of place enough for being an older student?? I tried to cheer myself up by making an ice cream and I dropped the open tub of ice cream because my hands still aren’t working properly. I can’t eat flakes so I stabbed an entire bar of chocolate into the ice-cream cone and ate it. I was supposed to go to (another) wine and cheese evening with my husband tonight to welcome me to my college (my university has a college system). I still haven’t even managed to collect a university card, I feel like there’s just too much going on and I’m swimming against the ever-accelerating current of bipolar depression, which is like trying to swim with a 100lb lead weight attached to each of your limbs. And anyway, I can’t swim to start with because I never learned properly. This week is officially a plane wreck. Bring on more meds, and I’ll down them with vodka. On the plus side, I managed to do some half-decent editing (of my latest story) on the meds, so maybe they’re not going to make me too brain-dead to function? Tschah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt. Give them a week to build up in my system and I’ll be zombiefied again. At least it’s better than fixating on suicide, because the trouble is, I can break any fixation I have by doing the thing, but you can’t undo it if you kill yourself and change your mind. Cynical? Moi? It’s madness to take the same meds over and over and expect different results.