Blogger Recognition Award and Stuff…

Sorry I’ve been erratically posting these past couple of weeks.  It’s only going to be like this until September.  We are re-doing our bathroom (I was interviewing plumbers 6 weeks ago) and we’ve ended up doing it ourselves because we live in a university town so the first two weeks of the summer holidays, every tradesman is booked up renovating all the student housing to bring it up to code before the council inspections for HMO licences roll around again.

So they don’t have time to do a job for someone who actually lives in the house they’re trying to repair.

So we’ve been without a shower now for as long as I can remember (I think April was when it caught fire????) and now our bedroom is full of the new shower which we need to self-assemble and in the process we found out the previous owners basically filled the drywalls with water in the bathroom, we’ve had to totally remove and replace two walls and we’re going to have to get rid of our bathtub and re-floor, as well as one wall being mostly held together by polyfiller (Spackle – my new favourite thing ever).

Add to that that the Scottish police have been less useful than a Sherpa tank full of ants trying to enter a figure skating contest, resulting in me having to investigate my own father’s death by myself despite the fact they still have the case open and are repeatedly lying about all sorts of things (it’s not me being paranoid here) to cover up their own negligence.

Add to that that I got my latest book accepted by a publishing house and it’s in the process of being edited, so that’s been busy.

Add to that that I need a frickin’ holiday!!!!!  But I can’t decide where to go on my budget. And I’ve spent a stupid amount of time looking at places.

Add to that that I signed up with an acting agency in the hope of getting a job that I might enjoy that uses all of my skills that I don’t need to stress about and that fits around my long periods of not being able to do anything at all interspersed with bursts of energy.

Add to that that the psychiatrist seems to be making things worse and I feel more crazy than I did 2 months ago since we keep dragging things up but nothings getting resolved and no coping strategies etc are being considered.  And the roles of grief and trauma aren’t even being considered because that’s in The Past (like, my dad’s barely been gone 3 months and my mum’s been gone just over 6 months.  That’s like The Present or something).

And I need to drill some holes in my car for an air vent to improve ventilation (it’s a car camper conversion) and it’s raining so I don’t want holes in my car because it might get wet inside.

So.  Many.   Things.

So I may be a little off-schedule for a while to come.

BUT…

I do have the honour of getting an exciting award.  It’s called (dun dun dun dunnnnnnn….)

The Blogger Recognition Award.

I think it’s basically like the Liebster Award (but with no “subscriber/follower” limit) in that it’s to bring bloggers together to see each other’s stuff and things like that… which is great by me, because one of the tasks is to nominate 15 blogs to receive it.

That’s always the bit I find hardest because I agonize over who to choose, then I have to go and tell everyone and I can’t just copy and paste because I’d feel really impersonal so I then have to think of a zillion ways to say “hey, I nominated you for a thing.  See my post.” Then I worry about posting links to my site on someone else’s.

And about half of the blogs I’d love to give accolades to don’t even read mine 😦 which always feels like a waste when they don’t even look at the post they’re mentioned in.  There are NOTABLE exceptions, of course.  I struggle with decision making due to my bipolar disorder (but yet my vocabulary is generally enormous, I know, it’s not fair) which can leave me worrying for hours about leaving people out and whether I informed people in a good way etc.

So instead of nominating 15 blogs, I am going to extend this award by giving it to EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS POST.  Yes, that includes you lurking in the corner.  I see you. This is for everyone.

Let me know if you have claimed your Blogger Recognition Award from me and remember to follow the rules:

1. Select 15 other bloggers to give the award to (do as I say not as I do?????)

2. Write a post to show off your award (that would be this one)

3. Give a story about how your blog started.

I wanted to start a beauty blog back in February 2014.  I was very taken by Lauren Curtis and Shaanxo, which are my favourite beauty Vlogs, and I thought I could do something similar, but I wasn’t sure if I had the sustained interest.  Anyway, I did nothing about it for nearly a year then just before my mum died I decided that it was time to do it, so I got myself a URL and then within a week I moved it all to WordPress (word of caution – GoDaddy’s “website builder” is the worst thing I’ve ever had the misfortune of trying to work with).  Very quickly I realised that most beauty blogs are just a vehicle for product placements and paid posts, and that those reviews are as boring as all hell because they are just “let’s rave about this product this week!!!” and I can’t cope with the sheer amount of fake-nice in beauty blogging, and anyway I had other things to talk about such as rabbits and food.  I haven’t ended up writing a huge amount of beauty articles (although my hair articles are bulking out the category, and my eyelash serum review is still one of my most popular articles).  Seven months later, I can’t believe how many changes my blog has undergone; the only category that’s been here since the beginning is Travel, and I’ve changed so much as a person (but that might be due to the mental breakdown, bipolar, gender issues, oh, and loss of both parents in less than 6 months of each other.  Just sayin’).  When I first started, I was basically blogging to make sure there were useful instructable type and scientific articles about things I’d done or researched, but that I’d had difficulty finding out how to do (or if they were even possible).  I have since started interspersing that with life-type updates, concert reviews, and even entire posts that are just photos.  But I try to keep posting instructions (how to spackle a wall will be coming soon, as well as how to put an air vent into a car camper conversion) because that’s why I blog; to help people make informed decisions before they do stuff, and to show people how they can do stuff.  To inspire delight in the world around me and help people do things that make them feel awesome (I have said this recently, but “inspire delight” was taken so I went with “invoke delight” instead.

4. Give a piece or two of advice to new bloggers:

Advice 1. Don’t follow every single blogging tip you read.  Some of them are crap.  “Pick a theme and stick to it” I was advised by a blogging article that had never seen my blog.  But my theme was not right for my content, I had to change it.  And it was a risk but it worked out and I like this theme a lot.

Advice 2. You don’t have to reply to shitty comments or spammy ones.  You can either bin them or leave them out in the open so everyone else can see that the person made a fool of themselves on the internet.  Up to you.  But remember that (generally) your readers aren’t so easily swayed as to run away because some troll pointed out that your teeth are crooked or whatever.  Or the dreaded Being Exposed on Youtube Incident.

I might explain this a bit further:  One of my first Youtube vids was a silver hair tutorial.  I put it on my Youtube and in about 3 weeks it got 1700 hits, like my most popular video.  Then after 2 months or so, someone commented to say “you know, you can see your boob at 4mins.”  I had checked and re-checked the video before I’d posted it.  I was SURE there was no boob.  But I checked again.  And I wanted the floor to swallow me.  There, in all its technicolour embarrassment was one of my boobs on the FREAKIN’ INTERNET on a video with over 2000 views by that point.  I felt so embarrassed and I was sure my video was only so popular because of my accidental boob.  I deleted the video straight away and thought no-one would watch it when I put it back online with no boob blooper, but they did, and it’s nearly got 4,000 views as of yesterday, so it goes to show that even something THAT embarrassing isn’t the end of the world and your channel or blog CAN get over such things.  And people apparently really, really want to know how to get silver hair.

4. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog:  Every Word You Say, thank-you for your lovely nomination and I’m only too happy to link to your blog and recommend everyone goes and reads it.

5. Attach the award to the post (with the picture).

The writing makes me want to watch Erin Brockovich again.
The writing makes me want to watch Erin Brockovich again.

Happy Friday Everyone.
PS: Do tell me when you’ve written your award post so I can read your blog because I’d love to see what you’ve written.

Sponsored Posts: The Best of The Worst

So as I mentioned in this post, I often get asked to write sponsored posts for companies wanting to improve brand presence.  After a deep moral dilemma, I made it a policy to always turn them down due to my standpoint as a minimalist (although recently I’ve not had a lot of time to respond), but they keep coming.  I do take a look at what they are proposing, particularly when it sounds dreadful, and mostly out of morbid curiosity. For your viewing entertainment (and to fight back against the consumeriarchy), I have included the best of the worst, the factual inaccuracies and old wives tales type information that is all over the internet already, and which people have offered to pay me to perpetuate (which all seem to lead back to consumerism):

1. Quinoa is a good source of protein.  This has to be the most blatant lie; it was followed up with an amount per cup that was a) several times the actual amount of protein in a cup of quinoa and b) still not a great amount of protein.

2. You need to lose weight to get married:  Yep, those “how to lose weight before your wedding posts” you see all over the internet, that are firmly designed to make women hate themselves and feel insecure (so they can sell women more clothes, diet pills, cosmetics, and when all else fails, food) are sponsored.  Do yourself a favour:  Learn to love the size you are before your wedding.  That’s who your future husband/wife fell in love with.

3. People get too much protein in their usual diet, so vegans shouldn’t worry about protein.  This is not only untrue but it’s very dangerous advice.  See my list of sources of nutrients for vegans post (with the amazing spreadsheet of sources for EVERY nutrient) to find out the truth.  It’s especially interesting that this sponsored post wanted to “inform” vegans that they can pay for recipes that don’t contain enough protein, because it makes money from the recipes in the first place, then they’ll get a protein deficiency, and be back supporting the dairy/meat industry in no time.  That’s win-win for paid meat/dairy shills.  That’s the result of the “protein myth”-myth.  You need protein to live, and you CAN get it from a vegan diet.  It’s like “big pharma” became “big farmer.”

4. SEO is apparently all about keyword density.  If that was true, a page of “buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online buy computers online…” etc would be at the top of each search result.  Instead of being excluded for being dumb and pointless.

5. If I only BUY a bunch of items from some hitherto unheard of fashion house, they will apparently pay me to write reviews (but only if those reviews are positive – that’s the rules of reviewing things for blogging).  Listen up, potential bloggers and those of you who are considering paid reviews, because this is a basic rule of making money:  If you have to spend money to do something, the chances of it netting you any cash is minimal, unless you have it in writing that they are going to pay you back (at which point, you’re giving them a loan, so charge them interest).  They like to make you think that they are going to give you a return on any “investment” you make e.g. by buying a product, but at the end of the day, as far as companies like this are concerned, YOU are the customer, and they are making money from bloggers, not any readers (the readers are just icing on the cake for these scams).  This is the consumerist myth, and you do NOT have to spend money to make money unless you have a shop.

6. Am I interested in a free sample of these AMAZING new diet pills which have heretofore been tested on mice, rats, rabbits, giraffes and monkeys, and have helped them all achieve the figure YOU deserve??? This one particularly makes me laugh because I have mentioned time and time again on my blog that I am clinically underweight.  The only time someone my size would say yes to diet pills would be if they had anorexia.  At which point they need a free sample of a cure for anorexia, not diet pills.  The whole concept of diet pills really makes me fume, like we can’t just be the size we are (and yes, I fall into that trap too – sometimes wishing I could put weight on to be the “perfect” weight, because all this crap about weight isn’t just “fat shaming” it’s “non-normal shaming” for a made-up value of “normal” – hey, we’ve felt the results of “non-normal shaming” before in other aspects of life such as mental health).  The lunatic fringe of the pharmaceutical industry had to rear its ugly head, and my big question to all these “supplement” pill companies is, if what you’re selling is so good, why don’t doctors ever recommend it to patients?  They can never answer that.

That was six of the best examples of bad paid-posting proposals; obviously I have left company names out because of legal mumbo-jumbo, but I thought these would be entertaining examples.  A lot of the crap I receive in my inbox is to do with either perpetuating myths (e.g. the “protein myth” myth) or perpetuating the LIE that my readers are inadequate unless they spend money on a specific thing (e.g. a weight loss course, diet pills, beauty products).  I respect my readers so could never flog this crap to you all.  If you are a very furious company reading this, and your company has approached me with one of these pitches, perhaps you should look at what you’re offering and try making/selling a better product.  Content is king.

Content is king.
Content is king.

A Requiem for Sunki The Service Animal

There was once the most special rabbit of all the rabbits.  A leader.  A hero.  The force was strong within this one. His name should be known by all who care about rabbits, because he was among the best of them.

Sunki Tiponi was the first registered service rabbit in Ontario, Canada.  I first saw him when he was featured on Daily Bunny, the website that used to show pictures of bunnies every day.  Their bunny Confucius died a couple of years ago which was very sad, and they’ve not been as active in updating their site since.  But they would generally publish pictures of Sunki, and I found out Sunki had his own blog anyway, so I started (erratically, like everything else I do, due to the bipolar etc) following Sunki’s adventures around Ontario.  He was an emotional support rabbit who took care of his owner Casper.  Sunki was getting on a bit last year and his owner got a new bunny to train as his replacement, but sadly the other bunny (Luke Skyhopper) passed away earlier this year.

Now, after many years of joy and happiness, Sunki has also gone over the rainbow bridge, as people tend to say about the loss of a beloved rabbit. Maybe he has a job to do taking care of Luke Skyhopper and teaching him how to be a special bunny angel.  When I found out earlier this week that Sunki had died, I just cried and cried.  I just want this year to end already because there has been so much loss and suffering.  My bunny Neville died at the end of January, and I lost both my parents within 5 months of each other, and it’s just been a really bad year.

Sunki’s blog is here, if you want to read his adventures and I wanted to link to him to immortalize his name and deeds, because he was a wonderful rabbit and it was clear that he had made a lasting and profound impact on his owner, and enabled him to do all sorts of things he wouldn’t have been able to do without him.  I think that’s why I’m so sad about Sunki’s loss… he was a truly special, unique rabbit who was dedicated to making sure his owner was ok and active and out and about.

You can read more here, by going through the archives on Sunki’s blog.  I don’t want to just re-word it because to me Sunki represented hope that those of us with mental health problems can maybe leave the house more often and do things that stress us out, if we have a beloved and brave animal companion who can support us.  An animal companion is more than a pet, it’s a creature whose soul resonates with your own on a deeper level and who can provide comfort and support when you need it, they tend to know when that is, and just turn up when you need them the most.

He has been succeeded by Darth Hopper and Chewbacca who have their own blogs, I am sure they will be able to take up the mantle and carry on Sunki’s marvellous work once they have completed their training.

Twelve Inspiring Sunsets

To follow up yesterday’s post, I thought I’d post some sunsets today.  I wanted to write about Newgrange but the hundred or so photos I’d taken have all mysteriously disappeared.  And I’m probably not going back any time in the near future as I have a LOT of other places on my 30 list (a list I wrote when I was 18, of all the things I want to do before I turn 30) to go to.  So, instead, here are lots of pictures of sunsets I’ve collected from England and Scotland (the last one’s from St Paul’s Cathedral, Vatican City, photographed from Rome).  Enjoy.

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sunset1

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sunset71sunset5

Sunset behind Ben Nevis (obscured by clouds), Scotland.
Sunset behind Ben Nevis (obscured by clouds), Scotland.
My mum used to call this colour "sky blue pink."  It was her favourite colour.
My mum used to call this colour “sky blue pink.” It was her favourite colour.
Sunset behind St Paul's Cathedral, the Vatican, Rome.
Sunset behind St Paul’s Cathedral, the Vatican, Rome.

All these photos are my own, and you can use them for whatever you like (please consider acknowledging that you found them on Invoke Delight).  I did stamp the Vatican one because I’ve used it a few times before; it’s one of my favourite travel photos.

10 Pictures of Pretty Clouds

Today I wanted to share some pictures of clouds, all taken in York, UK, where I live.  I feel Invoke Delight has been a sombre place of late and I want to make sure it stays a place to inspire delight in the world around me, which was its original remit (inspire delight was already taken when I registered the URL, so I went with invoke, instead).  Click to enlarge, I haven’t watermarked the pictures so you can do what you want with them if you want to use them for things:

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clouds4 clouds5 clouds06 clouds07 clouds08 clouds09 clouds10

I hope these pictures of the sky on an English summer’s day will brighten your day.  I will continue to talk about serious stuff on my second blog.

Sunshine Blogger Award

I was nominated for the Sunshine Bloggers Award by Annie from Gentlekindness. If you haven’t seen her blog(s) before, they are here:

http://gentlementalannie.com/
https://lovelywoundedlady.wordpress.com/

sunshine blogger award
sunshine blogger award

Here are the 11 blogs I nominate, I don’t think there are any restrictions on nominations and I did try to check if people had done one before so sorry if I missed that you’d already got one:

Birth of A New Brain (currently on holiday),

Changing Faces

Megan Has OCD,

Surviving the Specter,

ButchCountry67,

Styled With Joy,

CassMadAboutFashion,

Health and Kindness

By Lauren Hayley

Brighton Bipolar

Every Word You Say Edit: SORRY SORRY SORRY I typed the wrong one in after I’d decided to give it to you!!!!

You guys are awesomesauceness.  You need to answer these 11 questions that I have written, nominate 11 blogs to receive the award, and write them 11 new questions (and use the picture in your post I don’t know if this is optional or not).

Here are your questions:

1. Unicorn or dragon?

2. Really?

3. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up (you can have more than one answer)?

4. Marmite or Vegemite?

5. Where would you like most to go on holiday, and what would you do when you got there?

6. If you could go to space (but never come back) would you do it?

7. Where’s the most random place you’ve ever slept?

8. If you could build a secret passageway in your current home, where would it go (kitchen, bathroom, secret island, lair in a volcano, etc) and how would it get there (e.g. elevator, fireman’s pole a’ la batman, stairs, rope ladder etc)?

9. If you could be anything you wanted to be, what would you be?

10. There’s a fire in your house, you only have time to take one thing out, what would you take?

11. Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time (like, really, not the ‘fake answers’ people are coached into saying for interviews)?

And, since I was obviously asked a different set of questions, here’s my answer to the questions Annie set – to write down 10-15 Core Values from the core values list here: http://corevalueslist.com/

1. Adventurous. All my life I wanted to be an adventurer/explorer as my job, then I became an adult and found out there’s no such thing any more, and I’ve been very, very lost ever since. I get depressed and distressed if my life does not have enough adventure. This can be as simple as trying to cook the Malaysian Lhaksa curry from the paste I found in Tesco, or the adventure of taking the shower out of the bathroom without a plumber (it’s our first house, this stuff is living on the EDGE man), or more “traditional” ideas of adventure like falling off a cliff and landing in a tree, or travel adventure. Oh and sexual adventure of course. That may be quite a surprise to some people and I’m only going to mention it briefly as this blog is always kept safe for work (unless you work in a convent), assuming “safe for work” means “if the IT guy saw it there’d be no repercussions on content” not “if my class of 30 11 year-olds saw it, they would be able to read and understand it.”

2. Curiosity. I’m never sure that this is really a good thing, it can cause all sorts of trouble, and I particularly try to stifle it when it’s to do with other people, because I equate it with nosiness and being pushy, but the question said “core values” not “positive attributes.”

3. Devotion. I am utterly devoted to my husband and my rabbits. I rarely talk about Himself on here because there’s not a lot to say. He is better than me in every possible way and I would follow him to the ends of the Earth if he wanted me to, and I don’t mind at all that in reality I tend to just follow him to the sofa a lot to watch him play computer games. I defer to him in every respect because he really does know best, and obviously after past experience with other human beings it has taken a long time for me to completely trust him, even though I knew from fairly early on that I probably should do. He makes me feel completely safe, no matter what we are doing or where we are going. He is the only person I will ever speak in extremes about, BUT the fact that my life isn’t perfect by any means is not his fault in any way shape or form, he is one person in a world of many, and at the end of the day I need to put the effort in to fix myself not wait for someone else to do it.

4. Dreaming. This is something I do a lot. Sometimes it gets in the way of reality. Sometimes it makes reality better.

5. Ethical. On the “Dungeons and Dragons” scale of alignment, I fluctuate from Chaotic Good to True Neutral, depending what state I’m in. This says to me that my moral compass gets affected by the bipolar. Chaotic Good is someone who tries to do the right thing, although they don’t necessarily equate “the right thing” with “the legal thing” and tend to get the job done rather than worry about rules and legalities (but not where it would harm someone, otherwise they would be Chaotic Neutral or Evil). True Neutral people strive for balance. So one day they might be all “free Tibet” then if Tibet got free and started attacking China, they may shift their efforts towards raising money to help China (this is a fictional example that I made up). It’s the capacity to re-assess the situation and view it objectively, deciding which side is out of balance, then the ability to take action in changing your own viewpoint to continue to strive for balance. What underscores all my states is that I hate laws that are pointless or only benefit the lawmakers, and I won’t mindlessly follow rules or comply without a LOT of resistance if I don’t see the point. I also cannot enforce stupid, meaningless or pointless rules, and this is really why I stopped teaching. I like to have the autonomy to use my own judgement, not be bound to a “chewing gum always means a trip to the head of year’s office” type regime.

6. Forgiveness: I forgive people. I don’t think that exonerates them from taking responsibility for their actions and learning from them. But I do think it means I don’t have to waste energy maintaining negative emotional states regarding people. I don’t think it’s easy or instant and I don’t think it’s a good thing to use as an excuse to repress feelings about something (which so many people seem to do). I think forgiveness requires you to work through the damn emotions and get to the bottom of them, then fling them out and move the hell on.

7. Honesty: I am honest. I subscribe to the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything” school of thought. I don’t think honesty is subject to interpretation (I’m not saying there’s some fundamental truth, but I think to the best of our own individual knowledge each of us is capable of being utterly honest), I don’t like being around people who lie, embellish, or fudge the truth to improve people’s perceptions about themselves, and I think the great skill of diplomacy isn’t learning how to lie, it’s learning how to be completely honest without being hurtful to people (I don’t have this skill yet). Sometimes, though, you can’t avoid upsetting someone. I wear my heart on my sleeve but I’ll scratch your eyes out if you try to hurt it.

8. Imagination: I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but I think I’m the single most imaginative person I know. Particularly when it comes to writing stories. I don’t need to whip it out and compare – it’s the only thing about myself that I have complete confidence in.

9. Informative: I love to teach people things, explain things, show people how to do things. If I know it and someone else doesn’t, I’ll try to remedy that. I like it when other people do the same, I love being more informed about things.

10. Integrity: I have too much of this. It’s the single reason why I’m broke. If I chose to, I could do exactly what those evil salespeople and moneymakers and beauty floggers do and earn millions of pounds and not care who I hurt. But I choose not to. I choose to stick by my own personal code of integrity. Because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t care who I hurt and one day, I’d see what I’d done and be horrified. Integrity is a choice I make every single day, a commitment to not just bleaching away my own internal landscape. People who don’t have integrity think that people like me are stupid because we don’t do what they do. They don’t realise that we are all capable of it, we just don’t take their path because we can see where it leads to.

11. Legacy: One of the things that holds me back a lot in life is that I have an overarching fear that one day, I will die, and no-one will have any idea who I was or what I did. I will just stop existing and disappear and my whole life and everything I ever tried to do will fade away and have all been for nothing. This stops me from being content when I find things that make me happy, because it’s always pulling me in a different direction. I am hoping this will go away one day.

12. Loyal: This is not a good thing. When my mum was hospitalized when I was three, I refused to leave her side. I refused to go with social workers who wanted to put me in care. I caused them all sorts of trouble and when they tried to take me away, I clung to the bedpost like my life depended on it and fought like a demon until they had to call one of my mum’s friends to come and get me. When I was seventeen, and social services told my sister and I that they could get us out of the situation we were in (three different child abuse categories – emotional, physical and neglect, plus a fourth category courtesy of someone else), I couldn’t leave. If I did, there would be no-one to look after her. When everyone was telling me to stop going to see my dad, because he was “worthless” and “no good,” I kept going to see him until I couldn’t bear it anymore, because it was too hurtful to see someone I cared about destroying themselves, but not because he was “worthless.” His loss in April was profound, I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

13. Nurturing: Another big reason I quit teaching, and I think why it triggered such a bad mental breakdown (twice in 14 months), was because I wanted to help the children to grow into well-rounded, capable and confident young adults who were ready to face the challenges of the world. The schools I worked at thought I should be teaching the children to be compliant and average members of the public. I guess I never stop looking after things, even when I can’t look after myself.

14. Openness: Another one that I can’t help – I have no filter, everything comes out, I don’t always know what’s important and what isn’t, and I tend to say too much or info-dump to make sure people are kept updated on things.

15. Resourceful: Like freakin’ MacGuyver. I always have a cigarette lighter in my handbag even though I stopped smoking in 2010 (don’t ask me what the “magic secret” was; I just got bored and forgot about it, then 6 months later I was like “huh. I seem to have stopped smoking. How’d that happen?” I never intended to and I used to quite enjoy it. I guess that’s my impulsiveness). I do also sometimes get stuck on problems when I don’t know how to solve them, though.

Impulsive wasn’t on the list, but as my last post explains, it’s definitely my corest of core values at the centre of everything I do and say. And learning to not be impulsive is hard.

And 11 attributes I could specifically pick out and say, “I definitely don’t have these:”

1. Bravery (people accuse me of this from time to time. Along with strength. I guess it’s cos I’m not dead yet).

2. Certainty (yes, the irony)

3. Chastity (bwahahahahahaha)

4. Coherence (wish I)

5. Diplomacy (I wish)

6. Direction (I wish)

7. Knowledgable (I wish)

8. Memorable (everyone I’ve ever known tends to forget I exist)

9. Noble (thank God I don’t have this)

10. Performance (I can get stage fright while having a conversation with one person, this also really killed teaching for me; kids were fine, observers were not),

11. Politeness (do you ever feel like you didn’t get the memo about what you should and shouldn’t do in social situations, and yet everyone else just seems to innately know…)

12. Purity (lol – who was writing this list, who thought lack of sex was such a core value it needed two slots; purity is a social construct that denies our true nature and makes people feel bad for going with their instincts, IMO)

13. Stability (nope nope nope)

14. Valiant (see noble)

15. Zen (oh how I wish I did have this though)

Invoke Delight… Invoke Delight… Accio Delight…

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Sadness.  Sorrow.  Wishes and loneliness.  Underneath it all, a profound sense of pointlessness.  Sorry for the self pity.  I really have nothing positive to say today.

I think my brain came up with this itself, but I can’t be sure, and I think it sums up the feeling I’ve had for the past week or so that is just pervasively growing worse:  “To know you are doomed, that these are your last days on Earth – and that your life was unfulfilled and will be found wanting.”  I don’t know if there’s a name for that feeling.  I thought 21 trigger warnings should be enough?  My brain isn’t listening.  Continuing to hurtle down this path.  Will it come back this time?  Will there be anything to come back to?

The pendulum has swung.  Will the weight break it’s chain this time?