I saw this bizarre title on someone else’s blog, and I was a little bemused about how the day of a blogger would be any different to the day of a non-blogger. So I thought I’d be a bit imaginative.
6:00am: I leap out of bed, like a LEAPING LION and stretch and yawn and hop into the shower to clean all my sleep away.
6:20am: Wrapped in a soft fluffy dressing gown, I skip down the stairs like SKIPPY THE FREAKIN KANGAROO and investigate how to turn on the mysterious drinks making gadget that the drinks company sent me in exchange for a good review. This week, it’s coffee, but last week it was smoothies, and the week before it was a juicer. Imma dedicated follower of fashion.
6:30am: Once I’ve figured out how to make the drinks making gadget work, and set it going, I go out into the garden – well, my fifty acre smallholding – and fetch some eggs from the henhouse, then I bring them indoors and make up a BRAND NEW RECIPE that I just KNOW the whole world needs to hear, I make a mental note to write about it on my blog after I’ve finished breakfast.
6:40am: I start making my BRAND NEW RECIPE and am pleased to see that the drinks making gadget is pouring coffee into a cup for me. How exciting. I take a couple of photos of it with my camera. I am Martha Stewart.
6:50am: My food is on a plate and I sit at my dining table with my breakfast, trying to think of a name for this recipe. Something that comes up high in the Search Engine results but is still super-unique and catchy. No, brain, Eggs Bunnydict is a terrible name for anything ever. Something more like “fluffy cloud eggs.” That’ll be good because it sounds light, like healthy, and fun, like it’s going to be delicious. Like me. Haha.
7:10am: Armed with my second cup of coffee I relocate to my study, which is really a corner of my bedroom or living room, and I turn on my laptop. My laptop is top of the range and never needs restarting because I got it free in exchange for a good review. I check all my social media accounts, I reply to everyone’s messages (or at least a representative sample), and I check out what is trending, so I can be relevant.
7:30am: I write up my eggs recipe and add the photos. They looked a bit crap so before I hit “publish” I head on over to Photoshop and do some photowizardry on them. In a few minutes, they look like Rainbow Eggs that were laid by freaking UNICORNS who live in the crescent moon. Of course. Because they were made by ME.
8:30am: Now I need to go to the store and get some groceries before it’s delivery time. I get into my Porsche 911 and ZOOM to the store like a TURBO WILDCAT and maybe annoy a few people with my slightly reckless and inconsiderate driving (unless I’m vlogging, in which case I will drive to the letter of the law). I park in the special “reserved for bloggers” bay at the car park and I get a trolley. My personal grocery shopper is there to greet me, and she shows me around the store, picking out foods I will like, and when we get to the checkout, the store manager has a word with the cashier before I reach her. The cashier tells me this food is all free because I’m such a special and amazing and wonderful famous blogger and they are only too thrilled that I could visit their store today. Then they serenade me out with a choir of disadvantaged children who I throw some dollar bills at as I leave.
9:00am: DELIVERY TIME!!! WHAT FREE PRESENTS WILL I GET TODAY??? For the next three hours, I mess around on the internet and watching cats on Youtube while my doorbell rings constantly from the crowd of delivery guys bringing me presents. Companies just send me stuff for free because they love me so much. I write reviews for them, on my blog and on sites like Amazon and Makeup Alley so that customers think well of the brand. I turn down many things, such as reviewing horse meat jerky or laxatives, because I want to protect my image. That way, I can legitimately say on my about me page, “believe me, I turn down more things than I review, because I am committed to my readers.” I open the boxes in an excited frenzy. Every day is like Christmas when you are a blogger.
12:00pm: I get in my Porsche 911 and drive to an expensive restaurant. I hand the keys to the valet and go inside. I didn’t book, but I’m so famous, I don’t need to. The Maitre d’ sees me coming, and runs to bring out the secret extra table that all quality restaurants have stashed in case Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift, or ME turn up unannounced. He sets the table in seconds with mad skills, and I sit down and browse a menu. I get a text from this boy who is a fairly well known Vlogger; we chat occasionally. He’s just got out of bed. Boys are so uncomplicated. I order a cruelty-free salmon salad with magic fountain of youth lemon vinaigrette dressing and extra-healthy weird fruit from South America. Everything from South America is extra-healthy.
1:00pm: I collect my Porsche 911 and drive back to my house. Did I tell you about my house? It’s an amazing four bedroom condo with glass walls overlooking my garden and smallholding. I park the car in the double garage then ascend the spiral staircase to the kitchen. It’s time to feed the animals and water the plants. I press a button near the back door and this automatic watering system kicks in, watering every plant exactly the right amount of the right temperature of water. When it’s done, I pop out and scatter some grain for the chickens, then I go and pick some fruit from my orchard and bring it inside. I am going to write an article about all the different uses for fruit, I just need to think of a catchy title that will come up top in all the search results. I’m thinking “17 things to do with Autumn’s fruit harvest” or possibly 11. I can never decide which prime number is best for these articles. I’m glad people are starting to see numbered lists as clickbaity titles, it means the new trend for article naming will be something with less math.
2:30pm: I phone my accountant and find out how much money I made today, then I phone my agent and find out how many brand placements are begging me to mention them on my videos, then I phone that Vlogger boy and it’s super awkward because I don’t know what to say, so I get off the phone fairly quickly. He’s going to guest blog on my blog. Oh God I hope he isn’t illiterate.
3:00pm: I have an afternoon tea party with all my friends and we put make-up on each other in silly ways (like seriously silly, like, matt foundation and finishing powder together kinda silly, we are so cray cray) and then we have dance around the lounge to MTV, in our underwear. We have a pillowfight as well. Throughout the whole thing, a photographer, who just so happened to be passing through the neighbourhood, is shooting pics in the corner so I will have plenty of pictures to write about this on my blog. It’s not staged in the slightest, honest.
6:00pm: I get rid of my girlfriends and they drive off in their expensive sports cars. I go outside and have a swim in my pool. The pool was mailed to me for free from this company which makes pools. It even has a waterslide. I spend the next hour or so splashing around in the pool, working off the calories from lunch because I see my personal trainer tomorrow.
7:00pm: I change out of my bikini, shower off the chlorine, then get ready to go out for dinner to the most expensive restaurant in town. It does get a bit boring only eating at the one restaurant all the time, but my agent says I have to create a buzz and make people think I’m a superstar until I get the Chanel contract. I get a text that says I’ve been nominated for beauty blogger of the year award, which comes with a $50,000,000 prize. That might buy me, like, THREE new Tom Ford lipsticks. Squee.
9:00pm: I go home, text my mum and dad to tell them I’m fine and ask them if they’re fine, they say they’re fine. Everything is good. I snap a quick selfie of myself and upload to Instagram, caption: “getting my beauty sleep like a GODDAMN PRINCESS.” What am I like??? I make myself laugh sometimes. I take off my make-up, being sure to use the latest cleanser that I got sent today. I go to bed alone and fall asleep dreaming of hair and make-up and cookie recipes, because this is the perfect life that everyone gets automatically as soon as they sign up for a WordPress blog or Youtube channel. Life is perfect, and I am certainly not out clubbing until 2am and getting very, very drunk in the company of some people I barely know, because that would damage my image as a squeaky clean upstanding member of the blogging community.
Just in case anyone is even REMOTELY wondering, this was totally made up. I just thought it was an interesting flight of fancy to explore some of the stereotypes and assumptions surrounding bloggers and vloggers. And I don’t accept products, payment or other sponsorship in exchange for writing reviews. And there’s no such thing as “cruelty free salmon.” Or Fluffy Cloud Eggs laid by unicorns. Or “the secret table” at restaurants. OR IS THERE??? DUN DUN DUNNNN….