Today I failed at life. Again.

Today I am a failure as a human being.

I had a job literally given to me, a job that required no effort, no attempt to interact with other people, there wasn’t even a dress code because everyone wears labcoats over their clothes anyway.

I managed 1 day.  One day.  I was so excited yesterday to think that I might be getting back to some equivalent of a normal life, then about 2 hours into the job, I realized, this job was pointless, boring, mentally stressful and exhausting all at the same time.  Let’s start with the fact that someone told my supervisor about a couple of mistakes in the datastream, and despite the fact that I only started working literally 10 minutes earlier, so it had to be her own fault, she totally blamed me then in front of this other person started having a go at me about something that I blatantly didn’t do.

Then I found out that while employees get 1 hour lunch, agency workers get 20 minutes.

And they’re being paid twice as much as I for the same job.

And the job is to just stare at a computer screen and press enter every three minutes, then type a number.  The number has to be correct otherwise they get upset.  So you can’t really zone out because you’ve got to make sure the number (a different one each time, long-string numbers bleurgh) is correct.

That’s it.  All day.  I literally felt like Homer Simpson, y’know, this episode:

(spoiler alert:  Homer gets the water drinking thing to do his job by pressing the correct button at the correct time on his nuclear power plant console).

Except Homer gets to sit down and there are donuts.  I spent a 9 hour shift standing up, which normally I can do (although I find it tiring) but I can’t stand still in the same spot for 9 hours on the best of days.  An hour is pushing it.  I get shin splints and swollen, aching leg joints, and my hip starts to mis-shape itself until the cartliage in the middle pops out of place, at which point I can’t move.  You’d think for a job where you have to stay in the same spot, that a chair wouldn’t be too much to ask.  If I didn’t have to do the numbering thing, if there’d been anything permitted in the room such as a radio or MP3 player to listen to, and somewhere to sit down (or a task to stretch my legs every so often), it would have been a bit less awful, but there wasn’t.  And everyone else was so mentally dulled that they didn’t talk.  Apart from the (different) supervisor who decided to make fun of my name… yeah, real nice environment.  You know what they said to me in the morning when I arrived?  “This isn’t a factory job, you need to keep your wits about you in this environment.  Do you know how to use a computer keyboard?  This big arrow is the enter key.”

Apparently I look like I do manual labor.

Must be my manly hands.

I went home covered in a thick misting of the thing I was testing, and it was in my lungs, my nose, even my ears.

I finished yesterday fully intending to get through the week and write it off as a bad job at the end of the week, but going in this morning… oh God I just couldn’t do it.  I ended up going near-catatonic because my mood stabilizers wouldn’t let me cry, then I tried to drive in and I must’ve dissociated on the way because I got very very lost.  And my Google maps wouldn’t even connect to a satellite for long enough to tell me where I was.  Then even the mood stabilizers couldn’t keep it in and I was panicking and crying and the whole world was ending so I pulled into a layby and broke my cardinal rule of life:

I phoned my husband while he was at work.

I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, I guess I just wanted him to say something like, ‘it’s ok, you tried your best, you were just very unlucky and landed a really terrible job’ or ‘maybe you weren’t ready yet, you’ll find something better’ or ‘they don’t deserve you’ or ‘you stupid bitch get your arse in gear and go to work, you found it yesterday.’  Just something to break the mental tension of having fucked up again.

He told me to retrace my route and drive towards home, and that if I found it on the way then I should go in, even if it was just to explain myself.  I wanted to explain myself; I really didn’t want to leave it all hanging with nobody being informed of my absence.  But I didn’t find the place on the way back either.  Just 50 minutes of rush hour traffic at a standstill because our local council’s attitude to road planning is “well it was good enough for the Romans so it’s good enough for us, we don’t need any new roads or extra lanes.”

And that’s when I realized that this job had been more boring and caused more mental anguish from boredom than sitting in traffic.  I wonder if I have ADHD sometimes, I really can’t cope with boring situations very well at all.  I feel like there’s so many interesting things in life that I’ll never get time to do, that boring things are an affront to human decency.  I promise I didn’t consciously fuck today up though – what was one more day on the grand scheme of life, since it’s pretty wasted now anyway?  I think it was about an hour into yesterday that I started feeling exactly like a hutch rabbit – you know, the ones that evil people shove in a 3 foot hutch then never pet them, handle them, let them play out or even give them a friend to interact with.  I call it bunny brain death when it happens to rabbits.  And when I feel like that, I get a particular ditty running though my head.  So for today’s 3 days 3 quotes challenge, my quote is this:

“Your world not mine
Your world not ours
Your world not mine
Your world not ours

I’ll resist with every inch and every breath
I’ll resist this psychic death
I’ll resist with every inch and every breath
I’ll resist this psychic death

There’s more than two ways of thinking
There’s more than three ways of being
There’s more than four ways of knowing
There’s more than one way of going somewhere

Silence inside of me, silence inside
Silence inside of me, silence inside
Silence inside of me, silence inside
Silence inside of me, silence inside

I’ll resist with every inch and every breath
I’ll resist this psychic death

I’ll resist with every inch and every breath
I’ll resist this psychic death

I’ll resist this psychic death”

Lyrics by Kathleen Hanna/Bikini Kill.

I’m home now.  The rabbits are playing up.  I don’t have the energy to stop them.  And my husband went into work today even though he’s ill because I’m so fucking useless that I can’t even go to a job where you just press a button every 3 minutes.

I am really a failure as a human being today.

Let’s have some Megadeth now.

“What do you mean, “I don’t believe in God”?
I talk to him every day.
What do you mean, “I don’t support your system”?
I go to court when I have to.
What do you mean, “I can’t get to work on time”?
I got nothing better to do
And, what do you mean, “I don’t pay my bills”?
Why do you think I’m broke? Huh?

[Chorus:]
If there’s a new way,
I’ll be the first in line.
But, it better work this time.

What do you mean, “I hurt your feelings”?
I didn’t know you had any feelings.
What do you mean, “I ain’t kind”?
I’m just not your kind.
What do you mean, “I couldn’t be the president of the United States of America”?
Tell me something, it’s still “We the people”, right?

[Chorus: (repeat)]
If there’s a new way
I’ll be the first in line,
But, it better work this time.

Can you put a price on peace?
Peace,
Peace sells…,
Peace,
Peace sells…,
Peace sells…,but who’s buying?
Peace sells…,but who’s buying?
Peace sells…,but who’s buying?
Peace sells…,but who’s buying?

No, peace sells…”

Lyrics by Dave Mustaine/Megadeth.

And that last song is just for something different, because my neighbors (the ones who piss up my fence and smoke weed outside my fucking kitchen) have decided today’s a fine day to remodel their house.  I can’t even hear my music over their power tools.  I’m hoping it means the fuckers have moved out and the landlord’s turning it into a student let.  But I doubt that.

First person to say some placitudes about “love what you do” or “you’ve got to keep trying” can get a steel toecapped boot to the face.

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Author: MsAdventure

I am a twentysomething travel, photography and beauty blogger who occasionally writes about other topics. Within travel, I tend to write mostly about Europe because all the other travel bloggers seem to write about South East Asia. As a writer, I have written articles that are published in Offbeat Bride and on Buzzfeed, and as a photographer, I have taken photographs that are published in local and national news outlets in the UK. I have a blog at www.delightandinspire.com

8 thoughts on “Today I failed at life. Again.”

  1. My doctor says that ADD/ADHD are fairly common secondary diagnoses to bipolar. Since I went on the Focalin back in March, my attention span has improved greatly, as has my short term memory. Now I still go off to Zulu sometimes where squirrels and their shiny bling distract me, but sooo much less than before. It’s a thought to explore, though with your healthcare system, I doubt you’d get to address it before 2020.

    I used to cry every night before I went to a job at a convenience/gas station. My husband at the time got hooked on coke, became a klepto, got fired from his awesome job for it, then decided to be a lump so I had to do something. Ugh, being out in the open, all the people, all the thousand little things that had to be done before I could even go home at night…I was never afraid of being robbed, I just hated going there, it triggered every panic fiber in my being.

    The most boring involved steel toed boots and 12 hours of rotating for an hour on a conveyor line and sitting and packing trash bags as they came down the line. I literally fell asleep on that job and it was so braindead of work, I didn’t miss a beat. I lasted five months before I crashed and burned.

    I don’t know that lack of psychological fulfillment is really important when you desperately need an income. I know if a job worsens your mental conditions then that is the bigger picture and why so many of us do crash and burn.

    No platitudes. Just “I get it, been there myself”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh I’ve long since given up on psychological fulfilment, and I can cope with jobs (such as McDonalds) where you can literally mentally switch off and let autopilot take over (although it’s still frustratingly dull) but this job took it to new levels. I couldn’t do any actual thinking because I had to type that number accurately.
      The day got so much worse – I had to abandon my house. I’ll post a youtube link explaining why as soon as I’ve uploaded the recordings off my phone.

      Like

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