It’s been getting harder and harder to write a full post, and I don’t like just whining on and on about my problems.
Add to that the fact that the “new posting experience” from WordPress has made it impossible to actually write travel posts because it’s STILL lacking an “add media” button, and so while I know the code to embed it, I can’t upload the pictures onto WP to then embed them, if you see what I mean.
Aside from that, I’m starting to feel a bit stressed trying to keep up with other people’s blogs. I just don’t have the energy.
Apparently Nausea and Vomiting in Pregnancy (NVP) is made worse by over-activity.
I’m going to have to take some time away from Invoke Delight and away from all your blogs until I’m in such a state where I can actually get out of bed in less than 6 hours.
My counsellor told me to go to A+E and see the duty psychiatrist today. That was probably the day’s low point. I guess I shouldn’t have shared my desires to cut the foetus out of me with a knife, but I’m kinda glad it’s out there. That, and I did vomit in his bin. I don’t do it on purpose.
Basically, though, I’m in a serious bind and I don’t want to talk to anyone about it any more because I’ve talked to plenty of people (irl) and I’m not getting helpful answers. I think it’s because at the end of the day I don’t know anyone who’s similar enough to me to think like me to be able to talk me through it any more. There used to be a time when all my friends and I shared pretty much the same opinion on EVERYTHING. Then we all dwindled and now they’re all very far away. When all is said and done, and all I’m getting is static over the airwaves, I just need to do some serious thinking without other people’s input (except possibly the doctor) and come to my own decision. I don’t have parents I can ring, I don’t have brothers or sisters who I could talk to about this (my half sister has, aside from her LD’s, severe antisocial difficulties; it’s difficult to hold a conversation with her because she’s very confrontational and purposely twists what you’ve said to the extreme and then purposely takes it the wrong way and gets offended about something you never said or thought). It’s not making this pregnancy depression any easier to live with though, having this extra thing hanging over my head all the time, and I need time to think it through.
I had a dream last night that I was boarding a plane to New Zealand, ready to spend a year or so bumming around. I had been on the plane for several hours when I realized I’d forgotten my visa. Then reality crashed through and I realized I was also a) pregnant (violating the terms of the visa) and b) married (and leaving my husband in the UK). I ended up opening the emergency door and jumping off, just tumbling through the clouds into infinity.
On top of that, someone asked today if I was going somewhere on Thursday. I said not, then apologized profusely for letting them down.
Something that really sticks in my craw today is something Dr House said once on the TV, about how people who apologize when they can’t do something apparently are lying. I think it’s an unfair interpretation because I always apologize when I feel like I’m letting people down, and I’m not narcissistic enough to believe that being ill or injured or otherwise indisposed is important enough to other people for them to not be pissed that I can’t do a thing. I think it’s also a submissive thing of feeling like other people’s shit is more important than my own, regardless of how severe mine is. As far as I’m concerned (and in my experience of people) they don’t care about my issues, they care that I’m letting them down. I agree that I am, in fact, letting them down. So I apologize. Then I get neurotic about it and worry that they think I’m not genuinely ill/injured/indisposed because I apologized. Because of some shit that an actor said on TV. How silly is that??? Doesn’t stop me doing it. I hate getting tangled in knots over stuff like this.
Anyway, the Benadryl is no longer having the desired effect today it’s not worked at all so dairy free nutella and rice crackers have been the meal du jour … along with a lemon ice pop. I’ll see you all on the other side of this sickness, it might be in a few days, weeks or months. I just don’t know right now.