Ugh I feel so ill. Gross warning: It ain’t pretty. I thought the first three months you were supposed to either be all glowy and glowing and shitting glitter and walking on air, or you were unaware that you were pregnant???
There is no possible way I could not know I was pregnant, unless I was undergoing chemotherapy (causing me to vomit slightly more) or brain surgery and didn’t make the connections. Nobody told me pre-natal depression existed either and I wish I was dead with every new “feature” of pregnancy.
I found out Benadryl (diphenhydramine) stops the nausea and persistent projectile vomiting VERY effectively, but on the comedown it gives me a migraine most horrible and a malaise that could rival Carmilla. On top of that it makes me very sleepy and I’m already exhausted.
The moodswings? Hahaha. Today I threw a whiteboard (yep, just like the ones they have in schools) at the bathroom. It was in my way. This was after trying to yank my computer’s charger out of the wall with its wire because Windows Movie Maker crashed again. It’s like a mixed state with even less self control which I didn’t know was possible. Yesterday I was crying for hours about how I never wanted children and considered driving to Dover and off a cliff. I got as far as picking up my car keys then realized I didn’t have enough petrol or petrol money. This afternoon I’m back to looking at budget prams and nursery furniture in the Argos catalogue, and watching Himself play video games. We even snuggled up and watched a wildlife documentary, it was all very cutesy. Now, I kinda skipped puberty due to having PTSD and I never got a period until I was nearly 16 (the second one was a year later), so I didn’t have all this antisocial hormonal stuff as a teenager and this is new ground for me, I never even looked at anyone romantically until I was 20, but I felt a bit like this on the combined pill last year and ended up being in a state where I was unable to work. I was rather hoping it was just an ARTIFICIAL hormone intolerance, but apparently I don’t tolerate my own stuff very well either.
How can people be unaware of this state???
I have a vomit rash all over my face and down my neck, and my oesophagus has torn from it, making me shit black and vomit blood, and people are suggesting ginger fucking biscuits. I think we’re a bit past that. That’s on top of the hormonal acne breakouts that are also adorning my forehead, chin and left cheek. Something else I skipped as a teenager.
And I’m painfully aware that I’m a) still not going to be in a fit state to work tomorrow and b) haven’t uploaded a Youtube vid for weeks again, so I uploaded one from clips I recorded in May, I added a bit of voiceover (I sound like death, but sadly not like Death, although my hair could probably pass as Susan Sto Helit with a bit of spray and a black streak) the video has MANY faults as it’s 6 months old and I’ve eaten since then, but chiefly I pre-empt people on Youtube who didn’t know me back then asking if I’m wearing a wig. No, bitches, it’s my actual hair. People cut their hair with scissors sometimes and dye it with dye sometimes and then it looks different.
Here’s the vid:
I’m going to go back to wishing I was dead now.