So ill

Ugh I feel so ill.  Gross warning: It ain’t pretty.  I thought the first three months you were supposed to either be all glowy and glowing and shitting glitter and walking on air, or you were unaware that you were pregnant???

There is no possible way I could not know I was pregnant, unless I was undergoing chemotherapy (causing me to vomit slightly more) or brain surgery and didn’t make the connections.  Nobody told me pre-natal depression existed either and I wish I was dead with every new “feature” of pregnancy.

I found out Benadryl (diphenhydramine) stops the nausea and persistent projectile vomiting VERY effectively, but on the comedown it gives me a migraine most horrible and a malaise that could rival Carmilla.  On top of  that it makes me very sleepy and I’m already exhausted.

The moodswings?  Hahaha.  Today I threw a whiteboard (yep, just like the ones they have in schools) at the bathroom.  It was in my way.  This was after trying to yank my computer’s charger out of the wall with its wire because Windows Movie Maker crashed again.  It’s like a mixed state with even less self control which I didn’t know was possible.  Yesterday I was crying for hours about how I never wanted children and considered driving to Dover and off a cliff.  I got as far as picking up my car keys then realized I didn’t have enough petrol or petrol money.  This afternoon I’m back to looking at budget prams and nursery furniture in the Argos catalogue, and watching Himself play video games.  We even snuggled up and watched a wildlife documentary, it was all very cutesy.  Now, I kinda skipped puberty due to having PTSD and I never got a period until I was nearly 16 (the second one was a year later), so I didn’t have all this antisocial hormonal stuff as a teenager and this is new ground for me, I never even looked at anyone romantically until I was 20, but I felt a bit like this on the combined pill last year and ended up being in a state where I was unable to work.  I was rather hoping it was just an ARTIFICIAL hormone intolerance, but apparently I don’t tolerate my own stuff very well either.

How can people be unaware of this state???

I have a vomit rash all over my face and down my neck, and my oesophagus has torn from it, making me shit black and vomit blood, and people are suggesting ginger fucking biscuits.  I think we’re a bit past that.  That’s on top of the hormonal acne breakouts that are also adorning my forehead, chin and left cheek.  Something else I skipped as a teenager.

And I’m painfully aware that I’m a) still not going to be in a fit state to work tomorrow and b) haven’t uploaded a Youtube vid for weeks again, so I uploaded one from clips I recorded in May, I added a bit of voiceover (I sound like death, but sadly not like Death, although my hair could probably pass as Susan Sto Helit with a bit of spray and a black streak) the video has MANY faults as it’s 6 months old and I’ve eaten since then, but chiefly I pre-empt people on Youtube who didn’t know me back then asking if I’m wearing a wig.  No, bitches, it’s my actual hair.  People cut their hair with scissors sometimes and dye it with dye sometimes and then it looks different.

Here’s the vid:

I’m going to go back to wishing I was dead now.

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Author: MsAdventure

I am a twentysomething travel, photography and beauty blogger who occasionally writes about other topics. Within travel, I tend to write mostly about Europe because all the other travel bloggers seem to write about South East Asia. As a writer, I have written articles that are published in Offbeat Bride and on Buzzfeed, and as a photographer, I have taken photographs that are published in local and national news outlets in the UK. I have a blog at www.delightandinspire.com

23 thoughts on “So ill”

  1. Holy shit! I am so so fucking sorry you are feeling this unwell with pregnancy, the way you described the sickness was like when I came off Quetiapine a couple months ago (no comparison I know) that feeling of being SO sick and you cannot stop it no matter how much lemon and ginger tea you drink either lolz, 1 small tip for a completely raw throat from sickness is manuka honey(sorry if you’ve been told this a million times already)

    I hope that this pregnancy gets easier for you, I really am so sorry you’re having a tough time, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I can’t even think the words “ginger tea” without my stomach heaving. It sent the sickness into overdrive and now even the faintest smell of ginger makes me queasy. As for the honey, it’s a good idea and I did try that (being a big fan of all sorts of honey), but brought it back up again as soon as I’d swallowed it. 😦
      As far as quetiapine, I felt sick coming off it too, but it went away after a few days, and was nowhere near as bad as this. I was on a low dose though so if you were on a higher dose it was probably like this. The only thing that’s ever gotten me like this is the combined contraceptive pill. Bleurgh!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh man I feel so bad for you, how are you doing today? Is the morning sickness as bad? Stupid question probably.

        Sucks you couldn’t keep the honey down, you must be so fed up, and all the other shit you’ve had to deal with from the family planning clinic and GP. I think it’s disgusting that you haven’t been able to get to the bottom of anything properly yet, got my fingers crossed for you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Today the vomit is fluorescent yellow.
        At least they’ve finally given me a dr’s appointment but it was such a fight to avoid seeing the “nurse practitioner.” Usually I have respect for N.P.’s because my aunt is one, but this one… absolute waste of time seeing her.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Oh my, that is truly awful. The receptionists in doctors surgeries are such dragons, they ask you way too much private information as far as I’m concerned and they think they’re mega important cus they work for doctors, uhhhm no love you just answer the phone, give me an appointment and be helpful. I hope you get some joy from seeing the doctor, I really do! Good luck

        Liked by 1 person

      4. After researching something that La Sabrosona said about a medication that’s not available in the UK but is in Canada, I’ve decided to make my own pregnancy anti-emetic medication, I’ve ordered all the ingredients and can’t wait to get started. I doubt the doctor can give me anything I haven’t already tried but we’ll see.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The literature lies. Bipolar people get the glow after giving birth, then only for a few days before post partum kicks in.

    One thing about after, at least you have something positive to remind you why you put yourself through it all.
    Then they start talking.

    I know, ray of bleeding sunshine, I am. I’d say feel better but I think that goes without saying. Just remember, unlike bipolar, pregnancy ends. That’s the big picture (says the woman who threatened to cut the fetus out of her own belly at seven months along it was so awful.)

    It does end.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. At least it’s not just me. I don’t want to be told to stay positive right now. I’ve considered sharp things. I knew I would. It’s one of my universal constants: Life gets tough, try stabbing it until it goes away. I keep oscillating between wanting to die and wanting to abort and wanting to fast forward to the bit where this is all over. I have a hernia repair so apparently I will get severe slicing pains in my belly button from month 5/6 onwards as the growth tries to split my stomach open. If it succeeds, I might not need to decide between a C-section and a “normal” delivery. Wheeeee.
      I just keep thinking if I abort and try again in the future, all this will have been for nothing AND I’ll have to reset the clock to the full 10 months all over again. At least right now I’ve only got 34 weeks to go.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You must inquire about Diclectin. That’s what I took when I had first trimester all day morning sickness. It really helped. Also I love lemonade. I made lemonade ice cubes. Squeeze a lemon in some water (i have no idea about measurement…I just improvised) and add some sugar water, or stevia or honey and pour it in ice cube trays. To amuse yourself you could go to Ikea or a similar store and pick up ice cube trays with different shapes. It’s a small distraction. Be well sweetheart. Just remember that your child will be brilliant. Have you thought about names?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t drive to Ikea right now. I get sick whilst driving to the local store let alone anywhere else. 😦
      We haven’t thought about names yet. We are waiting until the 12 week scan (if we ever get there).
      Having looked into Diclectin, it looks amazing but you can’t get it in Britain – the only time they let you have any prescription anti-emetics is if you get diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (which I probably still don’t have at this point) but which has to be confirmed by a doctor and they usually only give you anti-emetics (which would be metacloprimide or buclizine, I believe) AFTER you’ve been hospitalized for dehydration, and only then if you really fight for them. It’s very fucked up, but for some reason they don’t look across the ocean and think “hundreds of millions of babies in America and Canada are born safely with anti-emetics” or “hey, we could save hospital beds by treating pregnant women sooner.” They tell you over here not even to take Benadryl, but I looked into the evidence from studies done in the US and it seems totally safe. I’ve got to wait until 1st December for an appointment with a Doctor so I’m steeling myself for a fight over anti-emetics but I *will* try my best to get some. I think the British National Health Service just hates pregnant women. Sorry my reply sounds so negative.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t apologize! You’ve got a lot going on at the moment and I would not have had the energy to do the research that you’re doing. You’re so resourceful!! And knowledgeable, Gawd you’re like a walking Encyclopedia and I’m a baby book…”A is for apple” 😉 (Hope you laugh at that…just poking fun at myself and highlighting how amazing you are).
        I’m shaking my head because I don’t get why British doctors refuse to treat nausea, like they think it’s all in one’s head, like an imaginary thing. That would frustrate the fuck out of me. I hope you find some relief. Try everything that’s safe and that makes sense. I hope you find relief soon. Hugs.

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      2. Yeah I think what annoys me the most is they say there’s no harm to the child, but of course low birth weight affects the child. Thank you so much for your help you are a fountain of knowledge about pregnancy stuff – I know NOTHING about babies.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s my pleasure. Any questions you have, please don’t think you’re bothering me. I’m happy to answer them. Email me if you’d like.
        myspanglishfamilia [at] gmail [dot] com

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Having researched Diclectin thoroughly (THANK YOU), while I can’t get them from the dr’s because pharmacies over here can’t get it (it’s only made in Canada apparently) I can DEFINITELY still acquire the raw ingredients, with a bit of effort, and it’ll be worth it to feel better. It sounds brilliant from what I’ve read. I’ve found an online pharmacy selling one of the ingredients and they ship to the UK, marketed as a sleep aid (in 25mg instead of 10mg but I can cut them down) and the other ingredient is pyroxidine (vitamin B6) so I think I can make my own from those ingredients. Yay chemistry! Did you find it made you sleepy at all? I finally feel like there’s some hope of this being over soon.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, you rock. And I had no idea vitamin B6 was a key ingredient. My memory is shit. Sorry. I don’t remember if it made me sleepy, but you could always adjust the time of day you take it?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you again for telling me about that. Can’t remember if I said before but I’ve ordered both ingredients online and as soon as they arrive I can try them out. Also I had a lemon ice lolly today (citrus definitely helpful) and it seemed to go down ok.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh good – and if necessary, get some of that dark, bitter chocolate with a high cocoa content and suck it, lol that sounded rude, but it’s just not nice to chew when you’re feeling like that. Strongs ne.

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