28 things I’ve learned from being an orphan for a whole year now.

My mother died when I was 27.  My father died 5 months later, when I’d just turned 28.  He died of unknown causes but was a severe alcoholic.  She died of cancer and had Emotionally Unstable (AKA Borderline) Personality Disorder (and possibly, bipolar disorder).  I hadn’t spoken to her in over a decade after she tried to kill me.  It’s a year later, here’s what I learned.  Some of these are specifically about one parent or the other, not both:

  1. People will tell you “time is a great healer” but it’s not true – time is simply the dimension you travel through as you work really hard to sort your shit out.
  2. People will tell you “time is a great healer” at least 10 times a day, and you will be overcome with the urge to punch them.
  3. The dreams will be REAL.  Like, so real.  I have had some of the weirdest dreams about both parents since they died, mostly centering around my dad being in his flat and he’s got no idea that he’s dead and doesn’t understand why new people have moved into his flat (or similar).  There was also the dream where he bought me a pegasus for my 30th birthday.
  4. Really, really stupid things will catch you out.  I couldn’t go into any supermarket without crying my eyes out for about 6 months after my dad died because him, my granny and I used to go to the supermarket together, and after my granny died, he and I would go to the supermarket together.  Then I burst into tears once because Schwartz had changed the labels on their sauce mix packets.
  5. When people in call centres dealing with the estate tell you, totally insincerely, like it’s just automatic, “I’m sorry for your loss,” you will again want to punch them.
  6. You will find things out about your parents that you NEVER wanted to know.  Think about THAT before putting those nudie photos of yourself in a box for later.
  7. When people at mental health services are so desensitized that they don’t understand that losing both parents at a young age in quick succession affects humans, you will wonder what they’re actually trained to do and why you’re there.
  8. If they died young (mine were both in their early 50’s) you will feel like the clock is now ticking and you’re doomed to die young too.  Try to not think about this, there’s nothing you can do about it if it’s true.
  9. If they died of unknown causes, you will tie yourself in knots looking for answers and finding only frustration.  This too shall pass.  Then it will consume you again.  Then it will pass again.
  10. Nobody will understand how much effort it was to get back on your feet again, especially if you had a professional job and it turns out you also had bipolar disorder and PTSD, all they see is that you are childless and you now work 3 days a week and that makes you lazy to the eyes of the world.  Maybe at the 2 year anniversary I’ll be back to full time again.  Who knows?
  11. Nobody will understand that “taking it one day at a time” doesn’t mean you can’t make plans for the future, and they won’t understand that “taking it one day at a time” means you sometimes have to break those plans at the last minute either.
  12. You will feel like your soul has been subjected to the death of a thousand cuts.  But you’re still alive.  And in a lot of pain.  And people still want you to pay the mortgage.  You will get very pissed off that no-one can see that you’re emotionally bleeding out onto the pavement.
  13. You might get religion, or you might lose religion, or you might have been uncertain about one or the other and now you’re not.  Either way, this will affect your outlook.
  14. Future employers will surprise you with how understanding they are about the gap in your CV.
  15. It doesn’t matter what your parents did, how much you think you won’t miss them, how many times they made you wish you were dead, you will miss something about them even if its just that they showed up drunk to your nativity that one time.  Admitting this conflict of emotion when you lose an abusive parent is hard, but it’s ok, you don’t have to tell anyone else.
  16. That won’t stop you dancing on their grave then crying your eyes out that you never had a chance to make them proud of you or whatever.
  17. It doesn’t matter how much they hurt you, you will still feel guilty that you weren’t with them, looking after them to the end.
  18. It doesn’t matter what your parents did, other people will mysteriously turn them into saints and martyrs and if you are honest because you don’t lie to yourself, those people will get very angry at you.  Just remember, somewhere, there’s a relative of Stalin who honestly believes Stalin was a nice guy who never did any wrong.
  19. Nobody else will understand why you seem to be carrying on as usual because you had to go back to work shortly after the funerals.  Nobody will understand why, six months later, you still can’t look at the photos/other items you saved from the house clearances.
  20. You will feel guilty for thinking it, but on the plus side, you now never have to worry about what to do when your parents get old and can’t look after themselves any more.  Especially since they lived in two different countries.
  21. If you deal with your emotions, you will come out of it stronger in some ways and a complete wreck in others.  If you don’t, you will just be a total car wreck until you do.
  22. If you have bipolar disorder, there is a good chance that you will go manic after you lose your parents.  I went manic both times.  People will look at your behaviour and judge you for not sitting around crying your eyes out.  Then when you do, they’ll be like, “aren’t you over it by now?”
  23. Other people’s experiences and expectations and assumptions will make you feel totally invalidated, and everyone will assume they know how you feel even though they can’t possibly.
  24. Most people assume you want time out straight away then to get back on with life, but losing both your parents together is not like losing anyone else, it’s not even like losing one parent; the pain will come and go and come and go and girl, you gotta take each day as it comes.  It’s a year later and I’m still taking each day as it comes.
  25. If you have bipolar disorder, this is the sort of pressure that will make it worse.  Like, one minute I needed to drive to Mongolia and the next, I was trying to kill myself because life was hollow and pointless.  There is no shame in taking medications to sleep, wake up, wash your hair, or whatever else you gotta do and can’t.  Why society thinks it’s ok for people to drink to death but not to take antipsychotics (ANTI – psychotics, c’mon, clue’s in the name), I will never know.
  26. Regardless of whether you have a mental illness or not, at some point you have to get back on the horse and try and move on.  This will happen in your own time, in your own way, it can take weeks, years or decades, and nothing will go back to how it was before this happened.  Don’t let other people push you into taking more or less time off than you need, even if they mean well.
  27. You will move on with different things at different times.  Just because you’re back at work doesn’t mean you’re ready to sort through your parents’ possessions (my dad’s stuff is still in a box in my kitchen), or vice versa.
  28. Losing your parents and realizing that, before you’ve even hit 30, your life might well be halfway over, really puts it into perspective if you hate your job, hate your life, whatever, and (in my case) really spurred me to take stock and think about what I actually want to do with myself, what makes me happy, because if I’ve only got another 27 years left (or less) I haven’t got time to be stuck doing something I hate or not doing something I really want to do.  I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and that scares me, but I feel like I’m narrowing it down as time goes on.

Normal posting schedule will return tomorrow with the weekly photo challenge.  I just wanted to talk about this today.  Being orphaned in your twenties is something that people just don’t talk about, like we all hit 18 then magically have the ability to cope with this stuff.  It’s a lie.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, knowing that you can’t just phone your dad about something (anything) any more is really shit.

Can You Believe This is NOT Photoshopped?

I’m so excited to share with you my first infra red photographs! I’ve wanted a camera that could take infra red photos since I first heard that they existed. I know my readers have different levels of experience when it comes to photography, some of you are experts and some of you are, like me, just stepping out with artistic photography so it was hard to make this article readable without being too technical or patronising.

I decided to make  this my second entry for the Weekly Photo Challenge: Abstract because the challenge was to make the familiar unfamiliar, and it’s certainly done that. Scroll down for the two best photos (last two) or have a read of the journey behind this photograph.

For those of you who have never come across infra red (IR) photography, it’s not the heat-detection infra red (Far Infra Red) but it’s near-infra red, so it’s only a tiny bit outside the visible light spectrum (what we can usually see).  Infra red light comes from the sun and is reflected off everything just like regular light.

As you can see from the lead picture, it’s very different to the infra red cameras that the police use on those police chase shows, this doesn’t detect body heat and can’t see what you ate for breakfast (eww), this is MUCH more beautiful and artistic, and I fell in love with IR photography the first time I saw pictures, when I was putting a presentation together for a science lecture about 3 years ago. I swore that day that, when I had the money, I’d buy a camera that could do infra red (not the app on the iphone or the Photoshop setting that edits pictures to look like they’re IR when they’re not), and so when I bought my camera for Youtubing and photography, I made sure it would be able to do this by pointing the TV remote control at my camera.  I saw the red beam through my digital viewfinder, so I knew my camera could take IR pictures, now it just needed the right filter.

I bought a £10 filter for my camera and it arrived just before the sun left for winter. You don’t need a sunny day, but you do need bright natural light for IR photography to work – outdoors, natural features, midday-ish works best. A tripod isn’t mandatory but it will help.

Today, FINALLY, I got around to trying out my IR filter.
This is what the first picture looked like:

Infrared photography problem

Disappointed wasn’t the word. What was wrong with my camera???  Was the cheap lens filter I bought a dud?
So I fiddled around with the settings wondering why nobody on the internet seemed to have an article entitled: Infra red photography picture went black.
I changed a few things around and kicked myself.
It was too dark because, while I’d turned the shutter speed to max, I’d also dropped the ISO to 100 (the lowest on my camera).
When I wrote that presentation, 3 years ago, I remember reading that ISO has to be really really high for IR photography to work.  That’s why some cameras can’t do it.
So I flipped it up to 12,800 and hit the shutter to auto detect, and magically, I got this:

infrared photography problems
Okay so it’s not much but getting any image, however slight, proved that the principle was right and I was on the right track.

After fiddling around with the settings, refining the focus etc, I finally got both of these:

infrared photo canon eos 650d
I don’t think I could be more proud of this picture right now. It took so much trial and error. Taken on Canon EOS 700D with Infrared Filter.
Infrared photography of a tree in next door's garden. Taken on Canon EOS 700D (no modifications) with IR filter.
Infrared photography of a tree in next door’s garden. Taken on Canon EOS 700D (no modifications) with IR filter.

As you can see I need to practice – the hardest thing is focussing without autofocus or a viewfinder (you literally cannot see what you’re going to get) because the lens I’m using doesn’t have a “lock focus.”  Some lenses have a little graph on the side to help you focus accurately but this one doesn’t.  I think trial and error is going to be the case with every photo.

Another thing I want to improve about these pictures is that, as you can see in the last picture, distortion from vignetting is really bad when you tilt the camera at a high angle from the ground, I don’t know whether that’s down to the longer wavelength of infra red light, but it seems fine when the angle is closer to horizontal.

All in all though I’m really excited to be trying out this new form of photography to capture the beauty of the natural world, and if you’re looking to do the same, I highly recommend this £10 lens filter that I used (this one is for the standard 18-55mm lens that comes with the Canon camera, if you wanted to use a different lens, check the width of the front of the lens to make sure the filter fits; either way these filters are pretty cheap).

None of these images have been edited in any way they’ve come straight off my memory card from my camera and I resized them to fit WordPress; I’m so excited I want to do more and refine my technique!!!

Please ask any questions in the comments and I’ll try my best to answer them but I’m definitely not an IR photography expert!!

What I used for infrared photography:

Camera:  Canon EOS 700D (no special conversions or anything)

Lens: 18-55mm standard kit lens (here in the UK)

Lens Filter: 58mm infrared lens filter (US) available here in the UK

IMPORTANT NOTE ON LENS FILTER: IT MUST FIT THE WIDTH OF YOUR LENS, IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO BUY LENS FILTERS, MEASURE THE DIAMETER OF YOUR LENS BEFORE BUYING A FILTER! The lens filter is available in different sizes, it doesn’t need to fit the camera, it needs to fit the front of the lens because it screws onto the front!! Sorry for the shouty capitals but it would be a huge shame if someone got the wrong size lens filter by accident.

This article contains links to Amazon via Amazon Associates.

Makeup Skills: Choosing the Right Foundation Colour For Your Skin!

One question keeps coming up over and over on forums, Youtube videos, on Quora and Reddit, and that’s ‘how do I choose the right colour of foundation?’ To help answer that (it’s a bigger question than it looks), I put this video together looking at basic and more advanced areas of this all-important skill. It’s not exhaustive and of course some makeup brands are notorious for not having shades that suit anyone who isn’t orange, but I thought it might be a helpful starting point for those people who are baffled by undertones, shades, whether to get a powder or a liquid, what a mineral foundation is, how to apply it etc, and how to tell if the foundation’s wrong for your face.

If you’re still not sure, it might be worth getting matched at a (good) makeup counter.

What I haven’t covered: Blending into the neck, BB creams, tinted moisturizers and setting powders. These sort of fall into place though once you know how to choose the right foundation shade.

One thing to add, is that in the debate over whether to go for the opposite undertone to your skin or one that matches your skin, I match my skin. I also use different shades of foundation for everyday makeup depending on the time of year.

I hope this helps someone, and any questions let me know in the comments here or on Youtube.

Monday Motivation: Blogilates

Cassey Ho, from Blogilates: "Train Insane or Remain The Same."
Cassey Ho, from Blogilates: “Train Insane or Remain The Same.”

Trying to get back into good habits and I find myself coming back to Cassey Ho’s Youtube Channel Blogilates! She’s just phenomenal at fitness and really energetic and motivating which is what I need on this gloomy, overcast April day, when two of my bunnies are critically ill.  Check Cassey out if you love to exercise in your living room! Today I did this fun leg workout video:

What’s motivating you today?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Abstract

This week’s Weekly Photo Challenge was Abstract. Here, I am taking abstract to be synonymous with weird and random.
The flames of a bonfire, taken January 2016.

The flames of a bonfire on a long exposure, taken January 2015.  Not sure which camera this photo was taken by or the exact settings.

Victoria Wood yesterday, Chyna today.

Two women whose contributions to the world were greater than it wants you to believe. Victoria Wood died yesterday at the age of 62. Cancer. Chyna died today aged 45.
But the whole world is only talking about the loss of Prince, with a sidenote about Guy Hamilton, director of the James Bond movies.
Let’s talk about the two women who deserved the spotlight today:
Victoria Wood was a writer and comedian who was and still is a household name in Britain. Her style of comedy was insightful and witty. She often worked with Julie Walters, and was known for a multitude of sketches along with “Dinnerladies” and “Acorn Antiques.” Irritatingly, everyone was going on about how she was an “inspiration to women” as if, because she’s female, she couldn’t possibly be an inspiration to men. It’s so annoying when you go out and become inspirational as a woman, because as we all know, your uterus pops out and inflates like an umbrella and anyone taller than 5’6″ can’t see you any more. It’s happened to a lot of women. It’s an outrage that the BBC, in their rush to get the first obituary out, to boost their views, produced an obituary for her which was riddled with proofreading errors. As someone whose parents were such fans of Victoria Wood that they named me after her, I thought it was very disrespectful of the BBC to write such illiterate rubbish.

But it was better than what they did with Chyna. They called her a “wrestler and porn star.” Because of course women aren’t allowed to shine out in male-dominated sports. She’s the only female wrestler to have defeated a slew of male WWE champions in the ring, the first (and possibly only) female wrestler to win the WWE Championship belt, and yet the BBC chose to focus their headline on the fact that she had also worked in the sex industry. In the entire article, they never even mentioned that she taught English in Japan.
To put it into perspective, calling Chyna a “Wrestler and Porn Star” would be like calling Vivienne Westwood a “fashion designer and schoolteacher” or JK Rowling a “writer and unemployed single mother.” It’s just not necessary and it’s not appropriate, it’s to remind you that she’s a woman and has worked in a profession society considers degrading.

Do you know why they’re trying to downplay her achievements in the wrestling ring by focussing on the porn?  Because she was a female wrestler who defeated men at wrestling.  This isn’t the sort of thing the world wants women to know.  That it’s possible for us to become physically strong enough and skilful enough at fighting to overpower men who are also physically strong.  Oh, they’re scared shitless that if we work that out, it’s game over for the men who try to keep us down with their fake “feminism” (where they tell us what to think about feminism) and their “fear of rape culture” culture that they’re crippling us with.  By focussing on the porn rather than the wrestling, they’re hoping to distract us from the fact that she beat HEAVYWEIGHT men in the wrestling ring.
Here she is doing some wrestling:

They would never say crap like that about a man. If Jeffrey Archer died tomorrow, the obituary would read “Jeffrey Archer: Writer and politician has died” not “Jeffrey Archer: Ex Convict has died.”

But then, if Jeffrey Archer died tomorrow, he might actually get a word in edgeways as he’s a man and the world might actually see that his death was worth making a fuss over.

I’d love to see what (if I ever make anything of myself) they wrote about me. Slut?  Actress? Writer? Youtuber? Teacher? Model?  Checkout Assistant? Archaeologist?  Comedian?  Car enthusiast?  Adventurer?  Person who got paid to hold a sign for two days one winter? Atheist? Roller skater?  Probably nothing at all.

What would they write about you? Single mother? Homeless person? Dog lover? Runner? Blogger? Peanut Butter Factory Operations Labourer?

I’d like to hope that by the time we die, women are actually allowed to have careers and impacts on the world beyond a) sex and b) “inspirational to women.” I mean, there’s nothing WRONG with being a porn star or inspiring women, but it’s pretty narrow and sexist to make that the focus of a person’s obit just because that person is also female. I’d like to think that Victoria Wood inspired people of any gender. She sure as hell inspired me, she was one of my biggest formative influences in performance and comedy when I was growing up; I used to read the credits in amazement, seeing with awe that she’d written, acted in AND done the music for most of her TV programmes. She should be EVERYONE’S inspiration for so many reasons, she was a wonderful person and a fantastic comedian with a real gift for natural, approachable comedy. Most comedians can be divided into two groups, either they make you feel more stupid for having watched them, or they are so highbrow that you won’t get half of it. Victoria Wood was neither. She was completely accessible but her jokes were never stupid.
Earlier today, I saw her in a sketch with Alan Rickman (I’d never seen this one before):

This is more her usual style though:

What do you think they will write about Caitlyn Jenner? I dread to think what they’ll put in her headline, I bet it won’t be “Decathlon Winner and Olympic Champion Caitlyn Jenner has died.” They’ll shoehorn something else in. That’s what they do to women. She’ll be an “inspiration to transgendered people” instead of just an “inspiration.” You’re not allowed to go round contaminating good honest white men with your inspiration unless you’re a white man too. Just to clarify, please understand that when what I say sounds like the opposite of reasonable, I’m being sarcastic; it’s what happens when I resent the inherent prejudice in the system.

It’s funny how every time a male celebrity dies at the same time as a female celebrity, the male one overshadows the female one. Did you know that Farrah Fawcett, the bombshell pinup from Charlie’s Angels, died the exact same day as Michael Jackson? No, of course not, because they latched on to Michael Jackson and turned him into a saint and she faded into obscurity. Like women are supposed to. They do it when we get married, they do it when we have babies, and they do it when we die. We’re just supposed to disappear. So Guy Hamilton and Prince get the spotlight today, and Chyna and Victoria Wood, the real tragic losses of the past 48 hours, have just disappeared.

Sorry about the ranty tone of today’s article, but this whole inequality just makes me so angry. Death happens to everyone. Why do we only publicly see and seem to mourn the deaths of men? It’s a throwback to the dark ages (or Islamic Shariah states such as Afghanistan) where women never left the house and weren’t seen to do anything of any importance, and by that token the important contributions of women were invisible. In death, the ultimate reality, we see that nothing has changed for women despite all the “rights” and “freedoms” they have been accorded.

It’s also the Queen’s 90th birthday today.  At least SHE got a headline.

The Swiss Alpine Route to Verona: Solo Interrail Part 5

New to my Solo Interrail series? Start here

I’m going to pick up where I left off last time, after I had just made it back to Zurich station and was now feeling like I was back in civilization having just spent the morning lost in the alps.  I sat down over a coffee and wrote postcards to my Grandma and Aunt.  This was 2008, a year after the EU smoking ban, which Switzerland was exempt from, so smoking indoors was a bit of a novelty and I did make the most of it (I don’t smoke now so I think I would hate to return to any country without an indoor ban on smoking).  I asked two nice backbackers to take my photo with one of my disposable cameras.

Zurich station Switzerland
Me in a coffee shop in Zurich Station, Switzerland holding a postcard of Switzerland, having just had a mini adventure in the Alps. My backpack is on the left and my handbag is on the right. In front of me were a well-earned coffee and a book by Anne Mustoe, as well as another postcard. I remember strategically moving the ashtray out of the shot because I didn’t want to get into trouble for smoking.

From my travel journal:

“Next, I went to the station newsagent and negotiated stamps in German (all credit went to the pan-European phrasebook I’d packed).  Next I searched for a post-box.
“Excuse me?” I flagged down a passing man.
“Hey there!”  The friendly American accent warmed my soul.
“I don’t suppose you’ve seen the nearest post box, have you?”
“Sure!  It’s just out there, on the left.  It’s yellow.”  He said.
“Thank you very VERY much.”  I replied.
“No problem.” He said.
I followed the directions and found the post box just outside the station, then posted my post cards and hoped that was actually a post box (that, or I’d just put them in a used ticket disposal box, but I hoped not because they were nice postcards).

Then I got the 9:00am train to Milan, which terminated at Venice.  Depending on what time it gets in, I may just stay on the train rather than aiming for Verona.  However, I would prefer to stay in Verona as from there it would be easier to get back to Calais.
What followed was a wonderful train ride through the Swiss alps.

Swiss alps
The Swiss Alps, taken through the window of a train at high speed, using a disposable camera. Under the circumstances I’m pleased with how these pics came out.
The Swiss Alps
The Swiss Alps, taken through the window of a train at high speed, using a disposable camera. Under the circumstances I’m pleased with how these pics came out.
The Swiss alps lake
A giant lake in the Swiss Alps, taken through the window of a train at high speed, using a disposable camera. Under the circumstances I’m pleased with how these pics came out.

The scenery is beautiful, especially around Zug station – if I ever get a chance to go to Switzerland again, Zug is the place to go!  Unfortunately, it also means I have already began using up my 3rd disposable camera – I’ll have to get another couple in Italy.  The scenery of grassy fells, snowy mountains and powder-sprinkled pine trees is absolutely breathtaking.  It’s much nicer to see the Alps from the ground than in an aeroplane!  I’m glad not to have tried travelling onwards in the dark otherwise I would have missed this, which would have been unforgivable.

…I think I’ve just done my bit to ensure the continental opinion of English eccentricity; I took a photo of my compartment (because I’ve never been on a train with compartments before, this is like being on the Hogwarts Goddamn Express), but I waited until the other occupants had moved because it’s perhaps a bit over-zealous even for a tourist.

(a little bit later) As we emerge from the Alps, the architectural style has become markedly Italian, with the arched windows and straight-pitched, less high roofs.  We are still in Switzerland, but signs for “ristorante touristes” are at the side of the road which runs parallel with the train track.  There is also significantly less snow, but the sky is still that clear, brilliant blue, and the sun feels warm now.  I feel less close to the sky again – being on the German side of Switzerland was like standing on a very high plateau, and it’s nice, but I’m glad to be at my normal altitude again.  Hopefully it will be sunny in Verona and even more I hope that the tourist office is open so I can find accommodation between now and Tuesday (the Easter weekend is now upon us).”

Changing trains in Milan, I was profoundly disappointed.  It was standard tall buildings type of architecture, nothing particularly chic or attractive about the place, it could have been absolutely anywhere.  I decided to continue onwards.  The next train was, now that I was in Italy, run by Trenitalia.  It had dents all over the outside of the carriages and inside, there was no air conditioning, people were just crammed on top of each other.  Opposite me, a woman sat down with a chicken in a cage.  An actual chicken.  It was squawking up a fuss and flapping its feathers everywhere, and she insisted, on this full-to-bursting train, that the chicken needed its own seat, even when a man tried to sit down.  This tiny old woman clung to the chicken cage with a death grip and started shouting at him until he left the carriage.  I was too timid to get a photo of the ridiculous chicken.

Later that evening, I disembarked at Verona train station and booked 3 nights in a hotel (Novo Hotel Rossi) in Verona, where I decided to remain for the rest of the Easter weekend.  Annoyingly, despite it being the Easter Saturday, when everything is usually business as usual in the UK, in Verona, literally everything (apart from one Sushi restaurant) was closed and since I didn’t speak Italian (I do now, this trip is what prompted me to learn when I got back), I couldn’t understand the signs in the shop doors.

I found the aforementioned Sushi restaurant, only to discover that the staff didn’t speak English, and I didn’t speak Italian, so I ended up trying to order in Japanese.  Turns out, only the elderly grandmother could actually speak Japanese but she invited me to share a pot of tea with her after I’d eaten, apparently she’d never met a gaijin who could speak Japanese before.  I guess you wouldn’t, living in Verona.  I don’t speak very much though (and I sure as hell can’t read it), so she probably found my conversation lacklustre.  I’d like to learn more at some point so I can navigate Japanese cosmetics but that’s a bit off topic for a travel post!

Anyway, that was my first day in Verona, and I’d used up over half of my Interrail pass (any 5 days of travel valid for 10 days of travel and non travel), but I decided not to worry about that.

I will continue with my Solo Interrail journey here.

As a side-note, if you are wondering why my posts/response times are erratic, it’s because I’m back to work, now teaching at a facility for children who have been expelled from school, mostly young offenders, which is a very intense job, as well as being quite a drive from my house, and I’m a bit exhausted, but I am interested in everything people have to say still!!