I was hoping to have a few days now I’ve finished writing my latest book (just wait for the edits to come back…..) to just unwind and chill out, but it hasn’t really worked out that way. For starters, I’ve increased my dosage of medication back up to what it should have been, and mysteriously, some of my side effects seem to have improved (others have not). Weird.
The main issue is, I set myself a deadline of researching and applying for a master’s degree by this coming Friday. If I don’t do one this year I can’t do one at all.
Tuesday’s gone (and Wednesday) and I’ve narrowed it down to either computing or writing, but I can’t pick between them it’s so damn hard. Part of me likes to imagine that if I did a MA in Creative Writing (or journalism, or marketing, or theatre writing…), that I might actually write really good books that became number 1 bestsellers and that I might actually feel like writing could be my career. I genuinely don’t know if that’s delusions of grandeur though, because the problem with being diagnosed bipolar is suddenly every damn thing you thought you were good at is completely indistinguishable from a delusion of grandeur. How does anyone with bipolar maintain confidence without letting it tip into delusions of grandeur? It’s as bad as the “was it a religious experience or was it ideas of reference?” conundrum. I literally second guess every stupid thing because I don’t know how else to keep myself in check. I can’t allow myself to think that I might be successful at anything, or good at anything, or a nice person, or whatever, I have to constantly believe that I’m not. And then that takes me into depression again.
I’ve sold 1000 copies of my last book now, BTW (God knows how, it only has 3.5 stars), but I still don’t feel like writing is a sustainable (or legitimate) career choice, and every time I have to make edits I feel like complete crap, through no fault of the editor, I just have no self esteem at all.
Add to that, I always wanted to do computing but believed for the longest time that I didn’t have the aptitude for it, so I’m naturally super nervous about doing it as a potential career change despite being constantly proven wrong about my ability with computers.
It’s like there’s these two diametrically opposed interests pulling me in two different directions.
Has anyone reading either studied Creative Writing or studied programming who could possibly tell me what they gained from either? Did it move you forward in your career?